Say what you think today. If it changes tomorrow, that is okay.

For the one...maybe two readers out there, yes I am still here. I know I have been silent most of the summer. Not because I have nothing to say. I have a lot to say actually, but I either literally do not have the words, or I have the words but can't exactly put them out for the whole world to read without sounding like a crazy heathen. The most I have done (blog wise) over the past few weeks is delete a post. Kinda the opposite idea I'm going for here. But I deleted it because I questioned the truth it held. I refuse to write or teach something I don't believe in. At the time I fully believed what was in that post, but now, I'm not so sure. In reality, the thought has crossed me mind more than once to delete this whole blog and wash my hands of it. But I decided to delete just the one post and let the rest stay...for now.

 I had an English teacher once say "Say what you think today. If it changes tomorrow, that is okay." Those are the words I am living by this summer. So much is changing, not just school but how I process information and how I look at the world. If its a good or bad change is yet to be seen. But I do think I will come out with a deeper understanding of myself and hopefully of God also.

Its interesting though, how one person or one simple thought can trigger an avalanche wondering, doubt, and discovery. There are points in life where we just set out to figure out who we are. Different places and milestones in life make us want to seek out new ideals, theologies, and self-discoveries. Other moments in life thrust us into this self-discovering journey without so much as a compass or i-phone app to guide us. These are the moments we have really no say over but more often than not, truly figure out what we are made of.

Sorry for the crazy ramble. Like I said, I haven't quite figured out how to word all this and not come out sounding like the crazy person. But when I do find the (sane, clam, Jesus-friendly) words, you all will be the first to know. :)

Prayer...or something like it.

Prayer is not my spiritual gift or a spiritual discipline I'm good at. I love prayer and believe very strongly in it but I'm so bad at it. I envy people who don't have to remind themselves to pray but instead it just comes naturally. Somehow I always forget to pray. And when I do somehow remember to turn to the creator of the universe, my prayers are usually a jumpled stream of conscious mess. God knows my every thought, but I'm guessing even he needs a road map to follow my train of thought. My prayers somewhat stay on track when I write them but its only a minor improvment. Prayer does not come naturally to me in any way, shape or form. 

I often struggle with prayer because I don't know what to say. I want to go before God with an elegant prayer but I can't even put words to how I'm feeling so I don't know how to approach a situation in prayer. It was an "all or nothing" kinda deal. But lately my view on prayer has changed. Changed might not be the right word. Maybe to say another aspect of prayer has been reviled is a better way to say it. Its not an all or nothing deal. There are ways to prayer when you can't find the words. There are ways to come before God when you don't know how to get on your knees. 

I haven't spent actual time in prayer in a while--longer that I would like to admit. But I write and I think. Actually I write so I can think. There is a quote that says "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." Words are a big deal for me. I have to speak something to process it. I have to be able to name and analyze whatever I'm feeling. That includes how I approach prayer. I cant sit in silence and just be with God. I need words. So I write. I know God knows my thoughts and reads my words. Its like I'm talking to myself but I know someone is standing off to the side, listening, waiting to be invited into the conversation. And I'm okay with that. Sometimes that is the best I can do. In the past I've stopped writing because I don't want to remember and I wanted to cut God out. But I am intentionally writing something everyday because I know that even though I don't have elegant prayers, or even jumbled prayers, God is in the words I pour onto the page. And that is enough sometimes. I have always struggled with the idea that God meets people exactly where they are. Well...thats not true. I struggle  with the idea that God meets ME exactly where I am. But when I don't know how to pray, I know God is in the journal I keep and even though its not written as a prayer, it is the most honest way I know to talk to God. God comes to me when I don't know how to come to God.  

Prayer is important. Spending real time in prayer is essential and spending time in silence with God is needed. I need to work on prayer...I alwasy have and probably  always will. But I like the idea that I can still be connected to God even when I'm not doing a formal prayer. It gives me a better grasp on the whole pray without ceasing thing. 

 

Understanding the words my heart doesn't know how to say.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July -- Independence Day.  For the past 7 years July 4th has been a day not of celebration but of extreme exhaustion, frustration, and starting new chapters in life. Don't get me wrong, I understand why we celebrate July 4th and very grateful I live in a free country where I can celebrate with family, friends and (illegal) fireworks. But there have just been some life events that have made July 4th really tiring.

July 4th 2007-2011 I was recovering from  Camp Angel Tree. It is a week at Mundo Vista where campers have at least one parent in prison. This is my favorite week of camp but it is also the hardest. Most of these girls come with some major baggage. They need extra love, attention, and patience. At the end of a trying and very long week, you have to then send these girls home --home to a place where they may or may not have their physical and/or emotional needs meet.  The week is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. All I wanted to do after was crawl in bed.

July 4th 2012 I nearly missed it...well missed it in America anyway. I was on my way back from Macedonia. Macedonia was an amazing experience and I would go back in a heart beat. I didn't want to leave and honestly would have stayed if I could. So I was really bummed about having to come back to the states plus it was an extremely long trip home. Leaving my apartment in Ohrid (the town I lived in) to RDU took about 2.5 to 3 days. And I was awake for 90% of it....including a 6 hour lay over in DC. When I FINALLY flew into RDU, we fly over fireworks, which would have been really cool if I wasn't out of my mind with tired frustration and heartbreak.

July 4th 2013 is...well...its complicated. But lets just say the 7 year tradition is still going strong -- tired, frustrated, and longing for people I have invested in.

Even though the past 7 July 4th have been hard, they have each taught me so much. For the past 7 years, I have felt God in a very unique way on (or around) July 4th. I often can't  put words to what my heart is saying--to these powerful feelings that I can't process or explain. For the past 7 years I have felt a peace in God. He is able to understand the words my heart can't say--to help me feel the joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness that I don't know how to express yet. This usually comes from a place of extreme exhaustion, when I finally collapse into God's grace.  Its where I find refuge, rest and a starting point to process everything I have taken in. So when I think of July 4th, my first thoughts aren't fireworks and parades; but longing, exhaustion, and refuge.

YOU understand what my heart doesn't know how to say.

Light(ning)

I love storms and especially a summer evening storm. Those are the best. I love to sit on a porch or by an open window and just take in a summer storm.  Its very claming and clears my head. There is just something familiar about the beating of the rain, the warm sweet smell in the air, and the rattling thunder.  A summer storm moves through me, brings me back to center. It brings power and life and I just love it.

 And most of all,  I like to watch the lightning. I realize lightning  is what scares some people the most about storms. Lightning is something to treat with enormous respect and I definitely do; but I usually don't find it scary. Its empowering. 

Here is the thing about lightning--it lights up the dark. Sure, its powerful and can be very dangerous but it shows you the world is still here. A quick flash of light that  illuminates trees, buildings, and clouds. Its a reassurance, a guide, and maybe even a promise. 

This week we have had a storm almost every night. Tonight, I was sitting on my porch watching. I was thinking about why I love storms so much and a strange thought popped into my head. Its a little under-developed but just go with me. 

Struggles in life are like lightning. 

The struggles we face deserve respect. If we do not approach our struggles with respect and a healthy amount of fear, they can be deadly. At the first sign of a struggle, some people grab their security blanket and head for the closet to hide it out. But I think there is a better approach. 

I don't like to struggle --who does? -- but lately I have been looking at struggles a little different and I realized they are like lightning. These struggles are giving flashes of who I am. Reminding me whats inside.  Yes, its hard and scary and maybe even a little dangerous, but there is beauty in it all.

  Storms, either literal summer storms or storms in life are dark. We crave the light, to see what is around us. Lightning  is still light. Its just not how most of us expect to recieve it. We can't avoid the storms. We need summer storms to bring life--so things can grow and thrive. We also can't avoid storms in life. They make us stronger and better in the end. And even though its hard, the sturggles we face light our path, remind us of who we are and assure us that our world will be st standing when its done. Just like lightning. 

Who are you?

"Tell us a little about yourself."

"How do you process?"

"What makes you...you?"

"Who are you?"

These are some scary and loaded questions. There are about 1,000 different ways each one of us could answer them.  So how do we answer it? Do we start with our gender? Sexuality? Age? Maybe start with our spiritual life? Or perhaps our hobbies? 

There really isn't one way to answer "who are you?". And I think a lot of people struggle to answer these questions--even people who are confident in who they are. Sure we can rattle off our likes and dislikes, but what about how we funcation, process and view the world? Those are pretty important things to know and be able to articulate about yourself. But those are the things that so often get left out. 

There are lots of "personally test" out there but one of the more popular is the Myers-Briggs. There are 4 categories and 2 choices for each with 16 different possible out comes.  We all fit somewhere in one of these 16 outcomes--it might not be a perfect fit, but it gives us a pretty good idea. This test helps to identify how people process, make decsions, and where our values come from. 

The first category is probably the most well known and easiest to identify with. This category is how you get energy, and not like the energy you get from coffee. But like your drive, focus, and the source of energy. 

E - Extraversion -- draw energy from others. Processes with others. "Live it, then understand it." Basically, you need people.  

I -Introversion -- draws energy from self, reflects, inwardly directed, "understand it, then live it."

Next is how you take in information. 

S - Sensing -- focus on the present, concrete information, facts, details, reality-based. 

N- Intuition -- focus on meaning, possibilities, hunches, the future, patterns, and theoretical.  

Third is what you do with that information. How you come to a conclusion. 

T - Thinking --based on logical thinking, analysis, objective, and criteria. 

F - Feeling -- based on circumstance, sympathy, personal, and values. 

The last category is how you see the world and your life. 

J - Judging -- you prefer life to be planned, settled, organized, have goals, and systematic. 

P - Perceiving -- you like to be spontaneous, flexiable, let life happen, and open to change. 

So we have a little over view of the different personalities.  Some people are very strong in some area and fall in the middle of others. For example, mine comes out to ENFP/J. I score VERY high with extrovert, strong intution and feeling but I'm pretty even on judging and perceiving. It has come out different ways different times I've taken it.  The first three are always the same, but I flip back and forth on the last one.  Honestly, I think it has to do with my stress. When there is a lot going on, I need a plan and lots and lots of lists! I'm also naturally good at organizing things...you can't tell that from my room, but I am. However, when there is no impending doom in my life I prefer to just make it up as I go along and get bored with schedules and detailed steps.  But that is just me. 

Okay, so why is any of this important?  Why should we be able to understand our own character traits  and then recognize how other people function? The simple anawer is it makes life better! Understanding yourself is such an important thing and understanding others is crucial in building relationships and working along side others. Two examples. First, I get drained when I have  spent the whole day alone. I am physically and emotionally tired when I have set in the library all day or in my apartment alone. And it is important to understand why that is. Second example. I have a friend who is very much sensing and thinking. When she makes decisions, she doesnt really think about how people will take it or what could happen down the road. I need to understand she isnt being mean or careless. She is looking at the facts and what is happening now. 

Take some time to think about where your energy comes from, how you see the world and what you do with information. And try to see how other people do these things too. 

What I need

Today was one of those days that I just desperately needed but didn't realize it. 

I have been so anxious lately because I felt like I needed answers right now but wasn't getting any. I keep getting more frustrated and more scared because I wasn't getting what I thought I needed. I have been waiting for something big and powerful. Some kind of burning bush with God clearly and loudly speaking. But that isn't what I was getting. Didnt God understand what I need? I mean, he is the creator of ALL things--why doesn't God understand what I need??

God understands perfectly what I need but I do not. That was made very clear today -- I am missing what I need because I was looking for what I wanted, not what God was giving me. 

I am an extravert--shocking, I know! But lately I have barricaded myself and cut myself off from people. This makes things 10x worse for an extravert and I end up blowing things out of proportion. Today I spent the day with a friend in Raleigh. Busy streets, people everywhere, laughing at inside jokes--it was like coming up for air after being pulled under. Its wasnt just me and my anxieties--there was life everywhere! I could breath again. 

And it was a great day. But did I even for a second think that this is God's handy work and possibly stop to thank him for it? Hahaha...I think we all know the answer to that. 

Tonight, I was sitting in my apartment and I just needed to move! It felt so good to be out today, I wasnt done yet. So I wondered around campus and ended up with my feet in one of the fountains. I love the water, and I'm pretty sure I'm part mermaid or something. Water soothes me, its where I feel whole. But I'm sitting there with my feet in the water, and I'm asking God "okay, now what? This would be an ideal time to lay down some truth!" And then this thought comes into my head, a thought that is not my own but one I recognize. 

"Jessica, be quite. Look where you are. Look what I have given you."

So I just set there. I let my feet move with the back and forth of the water. I breathed in the cool night air. After a few minutes, another thought came into my head, this time it was my own thoughts. I will, in time, be okay. But I have to let myself be okay,  and part of that comes from taking in the small things. 

I have a friend who writes songs. I love all her songs but my favorite is called "fireflies".  She talks about one night, she was laying outside thinking about some things and she wanted to hear God. The sky was cloudy and she couldn't see the moon. And that would be a perfect way for God to speak--part the clouds and the 'light of God' (aka the moon) would shine down. 

Oh I set and I set 

And waited, waited for what seemed like years. 

Blinded by my stupidity, I couldnt see through my fear. 

Oh the answer it was in front of me

It was beside me behind me. 

Little flashes of light all around me

Piercing the darkness

Why couldnt I see?

Oh the fireflies, fireflies

Rays of hope, short feelings of peace 

At the right time they come

To carry us through until the day we see the sun. 

God speaks. My problem is I don't hear because I'm looking for how I think God should be speaking. God gives me what I need but I miss it because I'm looking for the big picture instead of small peices. 

Creator God

Thank you for speaking in small voices and giving me what I need, not what I ask for. I fall short, but you are constant and true. 

Amen 

We are perfectly flawed

It has become a habit that I listen to a Susan Sparks' podcast when I have had a bad day or need a new perspective. I just pull up the page and pick one at random. The one I picked today really struck a cord with me and something I needed to hear. Here, take a minute to listen to it. 

I have touched on this subject a few times before, but like I said, it was something I just needed to hear, so probably something I need to write about too. 

Humans are flawed. We can't help it. We make mistakes, take wrong turns, and just plain fail. We also struggle, although struggles and mistakes are too different things but I'll get to that in a minute. First, lets talk about mistakes. I think there are two basic approaches to  mistakes. The first way is dwelling  on it, over think , and worry about it.  That mistake becomes such a focal point, that we can't see past it or figure out how to move on. This is my preferred method. If worrying about past mistakes was an Olympic sport, I could take the Gold, easy. Then the second approach to a mistake is to write it off, sweep it under the rug, and just pretend it didn't happen at all. We ignore the mistake and often end up doing the same thing again because we refuse to acknowledge it has happened. 

Isn't there some kind of middle ground? Humans are flawed beings but for some reason we try to pretend that we are not. We get it in our heads that we can't be flawed... but why? Mistakes will happen, its just part of life. And the logical thing would be to reflect on the situation, learn from it, and then move on. And I know, that is SOOO much easier to say than to actually do. It is an art I am far from mastering. But we are told we have to be perfect and are scrutinized when we miss the mark. I have a friend that keeps telling me to show myself grace but that is hard to do. Yes, its hard, but it is  what we need to do--show ourselves and others some grace and realize (and maybe even embrace) that we are perfectly flawed and God loves us. Period. 

Along with being flawed, we also struggle. Its how you know you are human. Unfortunately , I think struggle and mistake get grouped in the same category. We already think we ca't make mistakes and because struggle and mistake have been lumped together, we think it is wrong to struggle. Although they are two separate categories, they have  similar approaches --we can over think our struggles or ignore them all together until they erupt. I do not like to struggle but hear me when I say it is okay to struggle. And it is also okay to make mistakes--that doesn't mean we have a get out of jail free card or can sit with our struggle without taking steps to move forward-- but  its part of being human! 

In her sermon, Susan talks about "its the trying that counts." We need to try to avoid mistakes but we also need to try to give our self some grace and learn from the mistakes we do make. When we are struggling, we need to try to take even small steps to move forward.

 I know I sounds like I have lots of words of wisdom, but it is so easy to type this out in a nice little blog, but trust me when I say I do not take my own advice well.