Prayer...or something like it.

Prayer is not my spiritual gift or a spiritual discipline I'm good at. I love prayer and believe very strongly in it but I'm so bad at it. I envy people who don't have to remind themselves to pray but instead it just comes naturally. Somehow I always forget to pray. And when I do somehow remember to turn to the creator of the universe, my prayers are usually a jumpled stream of conscious mess. God knows my every thought, but I'm guessing even he needs a road map to follow my train of thought. My prayers somewhat stay on track when I write them but its only a minor improvment. Prayer does not come naturally to me in any way, shape or form. 

I often struggle with prayer because I don't know what to say. I want to go before God with an elegant prayer but I can't even put words to how I'm feeling so I don't know how to approach a situation in prayer. It was an "all or nothing" kinda deal. But lately my view on prayer has changed. Changed might not be the right word. Maybe to say another aspect of prayer has been reviled is a better way to say it. Its not an all or nothing deal. There are ways to prayer when you can't find the words. There are ways to come before God when you don't know how to get on your knees. 

I haven't spent actual time in prayer in a while--longer that I would like to admit. But I write and I think. Actually I write so I can think. There is a quote that says "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." Words are a big deal for me. I have to speak something to process it. I have to be able to name and analyze whatever I'm feeling. That includes how I approach prayer. I cant sit in silence and just be with God. I need words. So I write. I know God knows my thoughts and reads my words. Its like I'm talking to myself but I know someone is standing off to the side, listening, waiting to be invited into the conversation. And I'm okay with that. Sometimes that is the best I can do. In the past I've stopped writing because I don't want to remember and I wanted to cut God out. But I am intentionally writing something everyday because I know that even though I don't have elegant prayers, or even jumbled prayers, God is in the words I pour onto the page. And that is enough sometimes. I have always struggled with the idea that God meets people exactly where they are. Well...thats not true. I struggle  with the idea that God meets ME exactly where I am. But when I don't know how to pray, I know God is in the journal I keep and even though its not written as a prayer, it is the most honest way I know to talk to God. God comes to me when I don't know how to come to God.  

Prayer is important. Spending real time in prayer is essential and spending time in silence with God is needed. I need to work on prayer...I alwasy have and probably  always will. But I like the idea that I can still be connected to God even when I'm not doing a formal prayer. It gives me a better grasp on the whole pray without ceasing thing. 

 

Understanding the words my heart doesn't know how to say.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July -- Independence Day.  For the past 7 years July 4th has been a day not of celebration but of extreme exhaustion, frustration, and starting new chapters in life. Don't get me wrong, I understand why we celebrate July 4th and very grateful I live in a free country where I can celebrate with family, friends and (illegal) fireworks. But there have just been some life events that have made July 4th really tiring.

July 4th 2007-2011 I was recovering from  Camp Angel Tree. It is a week at Mundo Vista where campers have at least one parent in prison. This is my favorite week of camp but it is also the hardest. Most of these girls come with some major baggage. They need extra love, attention, and patience. At the end of a trying and very long week, you have to then send these girls home --home to a place where they may or may not have their physical and/or emotional needs meet.  The week is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. All I wanted to do after was crawl in bed.

July 4th 2012 I nearly missed it...well missed it in America anyway. I was on my way back from Macedonia. Macedonia was an amazing experience and I would go back in a heart beat. I didn't want to leave and honestly would have stayed if I could. So I was really bummed about having to come back to the states plus it was an extremely long trip home. Leaving my apartment in Ohrid (the town I lived in) to RDU took about 2.5 to 3 days. And I was awake for 90% of it....including a 6 hour lay over in DC. When I FINALLY flew into RDU, we fly over fireworks, which would have been really cool if I wasn't out of my mind with tired frustration and heartbreak.

July 4th 2013 is...well...its complicated. But lets just say the 7 year tradition is still going strong -- tired, frustrated, and longing for people I have invested in.

Even though the past 7 July 4th have been hard, they have each taught me so much. For the past 7 years, I have felt God in a very unique way on (or around) July 4th. I often can't  put words to what my heart is saying--to these powerful feelings that I can't process or explain. For the past 7 years I have felt a peace in God. He is able to understand the words my heart can't say--to help me feel the joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness that I don't know how to express yet. This usually comes from a place of extreme exhaustion, when I finally collapse into God's grace.  Its where I find refuge, rest and a starting point to process everything I have taken in. So when I think of July 4th, my first thoughts aren't fireworks and parades; but longing, exhaustion, and refuge.

YOU understand what my heart doesn't know how to say.