The Connecting to God's story part.
*So, clearly the mini series thing doesn't work for me. These blogs were suppose to stretch out over a few days. Oh well. Its my blog. I can do what I want. lol*
I talked about how different people and places have shaped my story. Next I said there are people who need to hear my story. Then the beautiful picture God gave me of my story living on. We all have people that have impacted our story and people that need to hear our story. And all of our stories will continue to grow and live on until the day we die. So now, we take these three separate parts and tie to all together to create God's story.
God's story is the disciples in the upper room. Its missionaries literally give up there lives to tell others about God's love! Its a child being baptized. A teenager being called for the first time.
We as believers are one body. There are many parts and functions, but our stories comes together to show God's love. Its communal, shared, passed on and embodied. God's love is to great and powerful to actually be put into words. But when all of our stories come together, it paints a beautiful picture of God's love. Our story lives on! God's love lives on.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
This is happening!
I just turned in my last paper for my major!!!! I wish ya'll could all see my face and the victory dance I am doing in the library right now...actually, on second thought the lack of a visual might be a good thing here. I'm not quite finished with everything yet, I still have a huge-ass paper, presentation, exam, and evaluation left before I am completely finished but all of those things have to do with my minor. I am completely done with my MAJOR! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
My major is educational studies by the way. Educational Studies basically means its the ed major without the teacher licensure. Its for people that don't want to be actual teachers but want to work with kids...like children's ministry for example. :)
I have loved my major. Mostly because it is much more project based than papers. But not to worry, my minor in religion more than made up for the lack of education papers. I also loved my major because I am good at it. The classes and material came very easy to me--which was nice because school is not something that comes easy to me.
SO....as of 12:11am, on April 24th, I am DONE with my education major. WOW! I legit never thought this would happen. Like really. Yes, I have been working toward graduation, but I really never thought it would happen. I honestly expected there would come a semester that I was just done-- I would drop out, do the journeyman program and then move full-time to the mission field. Different semesters I stayed for different reasons but I always expected to leave in the end. Now that I am 17 days, 15 pages, 1 presentation, and 1 evaluation away from graduation, it feels very strange. You know that feeling you get when you wake up in a new place and it takes a minutes to get your barring because what is around you just isn't what you expected? Yeah...that is life right now. I'm not disappointed that this is my life...its just not at all what I expected. I know its crazy that what I was working toward and what I thought would happen are two different things, but that is just how life happens sometimes.
I have been in a haze for days...weeks even! I have been trying to wrap my brain around actually graduating from college. But when I hit submit for the last paper of my major....that was it. That sealed the deal. It became real in a great way! College has been a great 4 years. (4 years plus a victory lap.) It has also been extremely hard at times. I had made some amazing friends, grown so much and seen a tiny glimpse of what the world has to offer. I have struggled, cried and completely hit rock bottom. I can't sum up college in one post....or even 1,000 post for that matter. Its just college.
And now I am (almost) done! Wow.
My major is educational studies by the way. Educational Studies basically means its the ed major without the teacher licensure. Its for people that don't want to be actual teachers but want to work with kids...like children's ministry for example. :)
I have loved my major. Mostly because it is much more project based than papers. But not to worry, my minor in religion more than made up for the lack of education papers. I also loved my major because I am good at it. The classes and material came very easy to me--which was nice because school is not something that comes easy to me.
SO....as of 12:11am, on April 24th, I am DONE with my education major. WOW! I legit never thought this would happen. Like really. Yes, I have been working toward graduation, but I really never thought it would happen. I honestly expected there would come a semester that I was just done-- I would drop out, do the journeyman program and then move full-time to the mission field. Different semesters I stayed for different reasons but I always expected to leave in the end. Now that I am 17 days, 15 pages, 1 presentation, and 1 evaluation away from graduation, it feels very strange. You know that feeling you get when you wake up in a new place and it takes a minutes to get your barring because what is around you just isn't what you expected? Yeah...that is life right now. I'm not disappointed that this is my life...its just not at all what I expected. I know its crazy that what I was working toward and what I thought would happen are two different things, but that is just how life happens sometimes.
I have been in a haze for days...weeks even! I have been trying to wrap my brain around actually graduating from college. But when I hit submit for the last paper of my major....that was it. That sealed the deal. It became real in a great way! College has been a great 4 years. (4 years plus a victory lap.) It has also been extremely hard at times. I had made some amazing friends, grown so much and seen a tiny glimpse of what the world has to offer. I have struggled, cried and completely hit rock bottom. I can't sum up college in one post....or even 1,000 post for that matter. Its just college.
And now I am (almost) done! Wow.
Monday, April 22, 2013
The Story Lives On - Part 3
The Lives On Part
I almost didn't go to Missions Extravaganza this year. There is so much going on in my personal life, I didn't know if I could emotionally handle it. I didn't officially decide until that morning. But I had made a commitment to SHINE and to WMU, so I decided to go. And it was hard and draining. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful and exactly where I needed to be that weekend, but it was still very hard for lots of different reason that I'm not going to get into here.
I was sitting in one of the worship services thinking about stories-- the story of all the women sitting in that room and the stories of the women that have, are, and will make up the story of WMU as a whole. Then I started thinking about my story and I realized something. This thing that I am going through, this part of my life where I am sitting in the ashes and miserable, this is going to be part of my story. Every day is part of our story, but when we tell our story, there are major points we include. Points where The Holy Spirit was moving in such a powerful way that we just have to jump around and sing praises because we can't possibly sit still. Or points where we cried out to God, asking God where he has gone. I realized this part of my life....this mess and hurt, crying out, and broken....this is going to be one of those major points.
The realization washed over me like a waterfall. It hit me in a very powerful way, but was also cleansing and calming. I have never realized something is going to be a huge part of my story until I came out on the other side. But this part of life....where I am right now....will be a lasting part of my story, it will shape who I am for the rest of my life. I have no idea how it will turn out. But as I was sitting there, I had this vision of me standing on the stage for the WMU 150th birthday or something (which....btw...I will be 46 at) telling my story and telling this part. I'm not saying this picture that popped in my head is a prophecy or anything. But God gave me this image of my life in 20+ years and I am talking about how God shaped me and grew me through this time in my life. That was unbelievable reassuring.
My story will continue on. I will continue to have times of joy, of sorrow, of hope and of loss. There will come a time where I can talk about this part of my life with peace. I am in the middle of it right now. I can't see where it will go. But that picture of me being able to tell this part of my story was great.
I almost didn't go to Missions Extravaganza this year. There is so much going on in my personal life, I didn't know if I could emotionally handle it. I didn't officially decide until that morning. But I had made a commitment to SHINE and to WMU, so I decided to go. And it was hard and draining. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful and exactly where I needed to be that weekend, but it was still very hard for lots of different reason that I'm not going to get into here.
I was sitting in one of the worship services thinking about stories-- the story of all the women sitting in that room and the stories of the women that have, are, and will make up the story of WMU as a whole. Then I started thinking about my story and I realized something. This thing that I am going through, this part of my life where I am sitting in the ashes and miserable, this is going to be part of my story. Every day is part of our story, but when we tell our story, there are major points we include. Points where The Holy Spirit was moving in such a powerful way that we just have to jump around and sing praises because we can't possibly sit still. Or points where we cried out to God, asking God where he has gone. I realized this part of my life....this mess and hurt, crying out, and broken....this is going to be one of those major points.
The realization washed over me like a waterfall. It hit me in a very powerful way, but was also cleansing and calming. I have never realized something is going to be a huge part of my story until I came out on the other side. But this part of life....where I am right now....will be a lasting part of my story, it will shape who I am for the rest of my life. I have no idea how it will turn out. But as I was sitting there, I had this vision of me standing on the stage for the WMU 150th birthday or something (which....btw...I will be 46 at) telling my story and telling this part. I'm not saying this picture that popped in my head is a prophecy or anything. But God gave me this image of my life in 20+ years and I am talking about how God shaped me and grew me through this time in my life. That was unbelievable reassuring.
My story will continue on. I will continue to have times of joy, of sorrow, of hope and of loss. There will come a time where I can talk about this part of my life with peace. I am in the middle of it right now. I can't see where it will go. But that picture of me being able to tell this part of my story was great.
The Story Lives On - Part 2
The Sharing Part
So I've talked about people that shaped my story. Their story inspired me, moved me, and taught me. God put those people in my life, used them as a mouth piece, set them as examples, and grew my faith through their lives. I needed to hear their story.
Now....who needs to hear my story? Are there people who need to hear my story?
The self-conscious side of me thinks "my story? That isn't important!" But it is!!! My story is so important-- not because of me but because of God. I feel weird saying there are people who need to hear my story. But that is ministry! Telling your story. I am very proud of my story and again, not because I've done anything good, but because my story is God working and moving in my life. As Christians, we are the tied together by our stories. When Tana Hartsell came to speak at SHINE, she said "A story dies if it is not told." I love that. The theme for this mini series is 'The Story Lives On'. My story has life and a heart beat. And it lives through being told! Just like there are stories I needed to hear....someone needs to hear my story. And that is kinda weird to say and get on board with. But I know its true. My story is personal but not private. Our story bind us together, connect generations, and demand to be told.
There are two ways to tell my story. 1. To actually put it in words, to tell someone or to write it. 2. to live my story. I can't really blog about who needs to hear my story, because I don't know who exactly needs to hear it. All I can do is pray for God to place people in my life that need to hear my story. Pray that I will pay attention when someone needs to hear my story.
So I've talked about people that shaped my story. Their story inspired me, moved me, and taught me. God put those people in my life, used them as a mouth piece, set them as examples, and grew my faith through their lives. I needed to hear their story.
Now....who needs to hear my story? Are there people who need to hear my story?
The self-conscious side of me thinks "my story? That isn't important!" But it is!!! My story is so important-- not because of me but because of God. I feel weird saying there are people who need to hear my story. But that is ministry! Telling your story. I am very proud of my story and again, not because I've done anything good, but because my story is God working and moving in my life. As Christians, we are the tied together by our stories. When Tana Hartsell came to speak at SHINE, she said "A story dies if it is not told." I love that. The theme for this mini series is 'The Story Lives On'. My story has life and a heart beat. And it lives through being told! Just like there are stories I needed to hear....someone needs to hear my story. And that is kinda weird to say and get on board with. But I know its true. My story is personal but not private. Our story bind us together, connect generations, and demand to be told.
There are two ways to tell my story. 1. To actually put it in words, to tell someone or to write it. 2. to live my story. I can't really blog about who needs to hear my story, because I don't know who exactly needs to hear it. All I can do is pray for God to place people in my life that need to hear my story. Pray that I will pay attention when someone needs to hear my story.
The Story Lives On - Part 1
The Who and Where Part
A story doesn't form on its own, but rather is shaped by people and places. I could write 100 blogs about people that have been such important parts of my story and still not be able to name everyone that has impacted my life. Because this post is inspired by WMU, I'm going to focus mostly on how God has used WMU and the amazing women that make up WMU to shaped my story.
I grew up going to mission friends, and GAs (both WMU age groups) but it wasn't until I started working at Camp Mundo Vista that I really started to learn what WMU is. CMV is a WMU summer camp as well as a year round retreat center. Mundo is my first love. My heart will always long to be on that mountain. A part of me belongs to Mundo...not necessarily the physical 3140 Camp Mundo Vista Trail, Sophia NC, 27350...but the idea, the memory and the lessons. God has changed my life in COUNTLESS ways through Mundo. I met some of my best and dearest friends there, learned about Campbell from other staffer, and it was on that mountain that I realized and accepted my call to full-time, career ministry. God used Mundo to shape and show me who I am...like my core, my convictions, and my essence. I am the person I am today because of Camp Mundo Vista.
Working at Mundo opened the door for me to really discover WMU. I was and still am very interested in the history of WMUNC. The REALLY short version is 127 years ago, Fannie Heck (24) and Sally Jones (16) decided to start a women's group that was focused on spiritual growth, biblical truth, and missions. It is on of my favorite stories and I never get tired of hearing it. I am so inspired by these two women, along with women like Annie Armstrong and Charlotte (Lottie) Moon who helped to build the foundation of WMU. These women were MY AGE and had a whole lot less than I have. But they built this amazing organization because they listen to God--they followed the call God had placed on their life. They took risks, rocked the boat, and some even gave their life to further the kingdom of God. The story of these women has ignited my passion for service and missions! I want to be open to whatever God says and wherever he leads because I have heard stories like Fannie Heck's.
This is also why I love going to Missions Extravaganza I get a whole weekend where I get to follow Godly women around and just soak in their story (also...M.E is like the Holy Grail for someone who has a servant's heart -- there is ALWAYS something to do). Here is a fun fact about M.E--I was 21 at the 125th birthday. I will be 46 at the 150th and 71 at the 175th. That is 3 major WMU milestones that I will most likely get to see and hopefully be an active part of! And there is potential that I could see WMUNC turn 200 (which will happen in 2086!) I would be 96, so that might be a stretch, but it could happen.
I love WMU because I believe so strongly in what God is doing. WMUNC has 127 years of women who followed God, blazed trails, and paved the way for my generation and generations to come. God has inspired me through WMU but he has also called me through WMU. I mentioned being called to and at Mundo--the was the first way God called me through WMU. The second was when God called me to SHINE. It was the end of 2011 summer and I got a message from the, then, director Ruby Fulbright. She asked me to come to her office and when I got there she said:
"well...I have thought about it, and I want you to start a SHINE group at Campbell."
me: "umm....okay(?) sure. what do you want it to look like?"
Her: "I'm not sure. We are kinda building this plane as we fly it."
Me: "umm...okay."
And that was pretty much the whole conversation. When people ask me why I started a SHINE group, my answer is "because Ruby told me to". But what I mean by that is this -- I have a lot of respect for Ruby (along with every person that makes up the staff and board). I know she does not dive into an idea without first spending some intense time in prayer. God was using her as a mouth piece to call me. She, along with countless others on staff and the executive board have shaped my story because they are open to what God is saying! If I could sit here and name every person I have met at M.E or every women that has brought their daughter to mother-daughter camp or every one I have met at the office, I would because God has used all of them to shape my story.
That is just a tiny look at the who and where of my story--the people and places God has used and called me to that have shaped who I am and carried my story on. There are so many other people and places God has used to impact my story. My family, friends, Campus Minister, Hawaii and Macedonia Family have all had huge impacts on my story, shaped my story and carried my story on.
A story doesn't form on its own, but rather is shaped by people and places. I could write 100 blogs about people that have been such important parts of my story and still not be able to name everyone that has impacted my life. Because this post is inspired by WMU, I'm going to focus mostly on how God has used WMU and the amazing women that make up WMU to shaped my story.
I grew up going to mission friends, and GAs (both WMU age groups) but it wasn't until I started working at Camp Mundo Vista that I really started to learn what WMU is. CMV is a WMU summer camp as well as a year round retreat center. Mundo is my first love. My heart will always long to be on that mountain. A part of me belongs to Mundo...not necessarily the physical 3140 Camp Mundo Vista Trail, Sophia NC, 27350...but the idea, the memory and the lessons. God has changed my life in COUNTLESS ways through Mundo. I met some of my best and dearest friends there, learned about Campbell from other staffer, and it was on that mountain that I realized and accepted my call to full-time, career ministry. God used Mundo to shape and show me who I am...like my core, my convictions, and my essence. I am the person I am today because of Camp Mundo Vista.
Working at Mundo opened the door for me to really discover WMU. I was and still am very interested in the history of WMUNC. The REALLY short version is 127 years ago, Fannie Heck (24) and Sally Jones (16) decided to start a women's group that was focused on spiritual growth, biblical truth, and missions. It is on of my favorite stories and I never get tired of hearing it. I am so inspired by these two women, along with women like Annie Armstrong and Charlotte (Lottie) Moon who helped to build the foundation of WMU. These women were MY AGE and had a whole lot less than I have. But they built this amazing organization because they listen to God--they followed the call God had placed on their life. They took risks, rocked the boat, and some even gave their life to further the kingdom of God. The story of these women has ignited my passion for service and missions! I want to be open to whatever God says and wherever he leads because I have heard stories like Fannie Heck's.
This is also why I love going to Missions Extravaganza I get a whole weekend where I get to follow Godly women around and just soak in their story (also...M.E is like the Holy Grail for someone who has a servant's heart -- there is ALWAYS something to do). Here is a fun fact about M.E--I was 21 at the 125th birthday. I will be 46 at the 150th and 71 at the 175th. That is 3 major WMU milestones that I will most likely get to see and hopefully be an active part of! And there is potential that I could see WMUNC turn 200 (which will happen in 2086!) I would be 96, so that might be a stretch, but it could happen.
I love WMU because I believe so strongly in what God is doing. WMUNC has 127 years of women who followed God, blazed trails, and paved the way for my generation and generations to come. God has inspired me through WMU but he has also called me through WMU. I mentioned being called to and at Mundo--the was the first way God called me through WMU. The second was when God called me to SHINE. It was the end of 2011 summer and I got a message from the, then, director Ruby Fulbright. She asked me to come to her office and when I got there she said:
"well...I have thought about it, and I want you to start a SHINE group at Campbell."
me: "umm....okay(?) sure. what do you want it to look like?"
Her: "I'm not sure. We are kinda building this plane as we fly it."
Me: "umm...okay."
And that was pretty much the whole conversation. When people ask me why I started a SHINE group, my answer is "because Ruby told me to". But what I mean by that is this -- I have a lot of respect for Ruby (along with every person that makes up the staff and board). I know she does not dive into an idea without first spending some intense time in prayer. God was using her as a mouth piece to call me. She, along with countless others on staff and the executive board have shaped my story because they are open to what God is saying! If I could sit here and name every person I have met at M.E or every women that has brought their daughter to mother-daughter camp or every one I have met at the office, I would because God has used all of them to shape my story.
That is just a tiny look at the who and where of my story--the people and places God has used and called me to that have shaped who I am and carried my story on. There are so many other people and places God has used to impact my story. My family, friends, Campus Minister, Hawaii and Macedonia Family have all had huge impacts on my story, shaped my story and carried my story on.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Missions Extravaganza - "The Story Lives On"
"We are a part of a seamless history in which we connect the stories of the past to write our own chapters in preparation for those who come after us." - Dellanna O'Brien
This weekend I went to Ridgcrest for Missions Extravaganza -- a state wide WMU conference. This is the third year I have gone and the theme for the weekend was "The Story Lives On" with a scripture focus on Acts 4:20. It was all about your story; who has been an important part of your story, who needs to hear your story, and that we are all connected to the bigger story -- to God's story!
When I set down to write this blog, I realized it was going to be really long, because there is so much I want to say. So I decided to try writing this in a little mini series. This in the intro and (hopefully) there will be 4 parts following this blog. I'm going to focus on different parts of "The Story" and things I learn/realized this weekend. But before I really get in to the details and different parts of "The Story", I should probably talk about what makes a good story in the first place.
Good stories need a main character that you care about, want to invest in, and follow till the end. They need a plot twist, struggles, or a crossroad. Stories need excitement, danger, and the possibility to lose it all. But most of all, good stories need a purpose. Stories need a reason to be told -- maybe to pass on a life lesson, to teach, to entertain, to pull at your heart -- whatever it is, all good stories need a purpose. The same is true for our story with God. Someone this weekend said "Because of Jesus, the life of the ordinary becomes extraordinary." What a powerful statement. Our life, our story is extraordinary simply because Jesus is the center of it. The Jesus element makes our story exciting, risky, and gives it a purpose!
I love to hear people's story. There is really nothing better than sitting with someone and learning their story. My favorite blogger is Jamie - "the very worst missionary." I love the way she tells stories. The other day she posted this beautiful video of someone's story. It is worth watching!
This weekend I went to Ridgcrest for Missions Extravaganza -- a state wide WMU conference. This is the third year I have gone and the theme for the weekend was "The Story Lives On" with a scripture focus on Acts 4:20. It was all about your story; who has been an important part of your story, who needs to hear your story, and that we are all connected to the bigger story -- to God's story!
When I set down to write this blog, I realized it was going to be really long, because there is so much I want to say. So I decided to try writing this in a little mini series. This in the intro and (hopefully) there will be 4 parts following this blog. I'm going to focus on different parts of "The Story" and things I learn/realized this weekend. But before I really get in to the details and different parts of "The Story", I should probably talk about what makes a good story in the first place.
Good stories need a main character that you care about, want to invest in, and follow till the end. They need a plot twist, struggles, or a crossroad. Stories need excitement, danger, and the possibility to lose it all. But most of all, good stories need a purpose. Stories need a reason to be told -- maybe to pass on a life lesson, to teach, to entertain, to pull at your heart -- whatever it is, all good stories need a purpose. The same is true for our story with God. Someone this weekend said "Because of Jesus, the life of the ordinary becomes extraordinary." What a powerful statement. Our life, our story is extraordinary simply because Jesus is the center of it. The Jesus element makes our story exciting, risky, and gives it a purpose!
I love to hear people's story. There is really nothing better than sitting with someone and learning their story. My favorite blogger is Jamie - "the very worst missionary." I love the way she tells stories. The other day she posted this beautiful video of someone's story. It is worth watching!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Ashes
Quote of the day.
"It is okay to sit in the ashes. Sometimes you have to sit for a while in order to move forward."
My campus minister said this to me today.
So what does that mean to sit in the ashes? It means that everything around you has (metaphorically) burned to the ground. There is nothing left. Things have gone past being 'broken', because sometimes broken can be fixed. Sitting in the ashes is pain and hurt. Its loss and mourning, death and rejection, anger, fear, loneliness and tears. Its long term. Sitting in the ashes is an ache in your heart that makes it hurt to breath.
Job set in the ashes a lot. He lost everything, his animals, his servants, and his family. Gone. Then as he was mourning his loss, he had to defend himself and God (who he was majorly questioning) to his friends. Read the first 20 or so chapters of Job. It sucks. None of it is fair. If you want a picture of what it means to sit in the ashes, Job is it.
I don't like sitting in the ashes. It means I am allowing myself to be filled with pain and experiencing hurt. I don't like that...no one likes that! I also don't like waiting. I don't like the idea that I have to sit, be still and wait in order to move forward. I want to be over it now! But I'm going to have to sit in the ashes for a while.
I feel like I have to have everything together. Because I'm in ministry or a senior, or a friend, or a (insert title here) I have to have everything together. That I shouldn't sit in the ashes. That idea comes partly from my own unwillingness to be broken and also from trying to fit into some mold or idea people have for me. And its wrong! I am allowed to sit in the ashes...for a while. Its not going to be pretty, but life isn't always pretty. And I don't always have to have it together.
I keep telling myself I will one day get up out of the ashes. I think of HP and the chamber of secrets (yes...I'm making a HP reference here.) The Phoenix that was reborn out of the ashes. Something beautiful will come from this. Just because I am sitting in the ashes doesn't mean my life is over. This particular part is, but something will come from it. Something that is stronger and better!
I don't believe a single word in that last paragraph. I don't believe that I will ever find the strength to get up. I KNOW in my head its true, but I don't believe it in my heart. But I am still telling myself that something will be reborn from this....even if I don't believe it, I have to keep saying it.
"It is okay to sit in the ashes. Sometimes you have to sit for a while in order to move forward."
My campus minister said this to me today.
So what does that mean to sit in the ashes? It means that everything around you has (metaphorically) burned to the ground. There is nothing left. Things have gone past being 'broken', because sometimes broken can be fixed. Sitting in the ashes is pain and hurt. Its loss and mourning, death and rejection, anger, fear, loneliness and tears. Its long term. Sitting in the ashes is an ache in your heart that makes it hurt to breath.
Job set in the ashes a lot. He lost everything, his animals, his servants, and his family. Gone. Then as he was mourning his loss, he had to defend himself and God (who he was majorly questioning) to his friends. Read the first 20 or so chapters of Job. It sucks. None of it is fair. If you want a picture of what it means to sit in the ashes, Job is it.
I don't like sitting in the ashes. It means I am allowing myself to be filled with pain and experiencing hurt. I don't like that...no one likes that! I also don't like waiting. I don't like the idea that I have to sit, be still and wait in order to move forward. I want to be over it now! But I'm going to have to sit in the ashes for a while.
I feel like I have to have everything together. Because I'm in ministry or a senior, or a friend, or a (insert title here) I have to have everything together. That I shouldn't sit in the ashes. That idea comes partly from my own unwillingness to be broken and also from trying to fit into some mold or idea people have for me. And its wrong! I am allowed to sit in the ashes...for a while. Its not going to be pretty, but life isn't always pretty. And I don't always have to have it together.
I keep telling myself I will one day get up out of the ashes. I think of HP and the chamber of secrets (yes...I'm making a HP reference here.) The Phoenix that was reborn out of the ashes. Something beautiful will come from this. Just because I am sitting in the ashes doesn't mean my life is over. This particular part is, but something will come from it. Something that is stronger and better!
I don't believe a single word in that last paragraph. I don't believe that I will ever find the strength to get up. I KNOW in my head its true, but I don't believe it in my heart. But I am still telling myself that something will be reborn from this....even if I don't believe it, I have to keep saying it.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Pay Attention!!
Do you ever see/hear something over and over then when it finally sinks in you realize it was God the whole time going "Hey!!! Pay Attention to this!!!! This is Important!!!"?? Yeah.....that happens to me ALL the time. I never pay attention.
I have heard John 20:19-29 about 10 times over the past week. I realize it is an Easter passage, but it is EVERYWHERE! And I think that is because God wants me to pay attention it to. There are two things I need to pay attention to in this passage. The first is the words spoken by Jesus. "Peace be with you." Peace and Graduating senior really do not go together. Peace is something I sorta remember from sophomore year, not this year! But....I'm pretty sure the disciples were a little more stressed out than I am. I'm not exactly on the run or fearing for my life or anything. My world is being rocked right now, but their world had shattered, it was in pieces. Jesus knew that and the very first thing he said to them was "Peace". The disciples were scared...on top of everything else going on outside that locked door, Jesus had just APPEARED out of nowhere...a man they believed to be dead was now standing there. The word 'scared' probably isn't intense enough to describe how they felt in that moment.
If the disciples can have peace in that moment, shouldn't I be able to do the same? Last night at SHINE our speaker talked about having peace. Don't judge me for this...but I realized I fight peace. How stupid is that? But here is why. To have peace means I have to surrender what is going on. I like having control and worrying provides a weird control. Isn't that such a backwards way of thinking? I want peace, I crave it, and when I finally embrace it, I love it! Its like sunshine washing over me. But I fight it for so long. Jesus said "Peace be with you" to his disciples and he is saying it to me too! Life is so much better when I embrace Christ's peace, allow it to fill me up and let me wash over me.
The second thing I need to pay attention to is Thomas. Poor Thomas. He gets a bad rep. We criticize Thomas for not believing until he saw. But how often do we doubt? Thomas didn't know the story. There was no perspective there, no hindsight. We have the whole story. I know Christ rose. I read in the bible that he will provide, bring peace, and guide his people. I've seen it in my own life and in the lives of people around me. Christ is with us, Christ's peace is there. But I doubt. I don't believe. I question. Thomas was hurt and sacred. He was reluctant to trust. But once he saw, he believed. We see and yet are still reluctant to trust.
Last night our speaker said something I really liked. She said "Christ peace + Christ power = our purpose." I love that. The peace is there. All I have to do is pay attention to it. It doesn't mean that things suddenly get easier. Things are still crazy and hard. But there is peace.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Consume me
There is this thing. It has taken over my thoughts, my prayers, my dreams...everything. I am totally consumed by this thing. I can't tell you what it is, but its something I desperately want to happen. I'm not one of those people who is blessed with the ability to pray without stopping. But this thing has taken over my thoughts in such a powerful way that my thoughts have turned into constant prayers asking God for this situation to go the way I want it to. There are 1000 other important things going on in my life and in the world around me that are up in the air, but none of that seems to be as important as this one thing. I don't think I have ever prayed about something so intensely or thought about something so much.
And I feel so selfish. All I think about is this thing and how I want it to turn out. I know our thoughts are, by nature, very self-centered, but this is a bit much. However, I know it is okay to have self-centered prayers and thoughts sometimes. It is okay to let this consume me, my thoughts and my prayers.
What really bothers me though, is I am rarely this consumed by anything else. Do I pray non-stop for a friend who has been in the hospital for over a month? Or praising God for the amazing things He is doing? I don't allow other things to completely consume me. I know we can't possibly be consumed by something 100% of the time. We compartmentalization to survive. But could I let something consume me for an hour... or even a whole day? YES! Do I? no.
This one situation has consumed me in a way I've never really been consumed before. I've realized I am in constant communication with God. I am constantly seeking him and asking for guidance and direction....about this one thing that I want. I've been consumed by situations, people, and God's power before. But I never allowed it to drive away other thoughts, to consume ALL of me for a long period of time. Things have a time limit, an amount of effort I'm willing to use. But this has taken me over like nothing before. Its draining and hard to allow myself to be completely consumed and let this thing totally wash over me. And I want it more! Maybe not more of this, this situation is confusing and messy. But I want to be consumed by God, by prayer for others. I want to allow myself to be consumed by things bigger than me!
And I feel so selfish. All I think about is this thing and how I want it to turn out. I know our thoughts are, by nature, very self-centered, but this is a bit much. However, I know it is okay to have self-centered prayers and thoughts sometimes. It is okay to let this consume me, my thoughts and my prayers.
What really bothers me though, is I am rarely this consumed by anything else. Do I pray non-stop for a friend who has been in the hospital for over a month? Or praising God for the amazing things He is doing? I don't allow other things to completely consume me. I know we can't possibly be consumed by something 100% of the time. We compartmentalization to survive. But could I let something consume me for an hour... or even a whole day? YES! Do I? no.
This one situation has consumed me in a way I've never really been consumed before. I've realized I am in constant communication with God. I am constantly seeking him and asking for guidance and direction....about this one thing that I want. I've been consumed by situations, people, and God's power before. But I never allowed it to drive away other thoughts, to consume ALL of me for a long period of time. Things have a time limit, an amount of effort I'm willing to use. But this has taken me over like nothing before. Its draining and hard to allow myself to be completely consumed and let this thing totally wash over me. And I want it more! Maybe not more of this, this situation is confusing and messy. But I want to be consumed by God, by prayer for others. I want to allow myself to be consumed by things bigger than me!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
lent....40 days later
I meant to post this Friday, but somehow it didn't get posted.
I survived lent! I made it 40 days and went to every single class. Okay....I went to every single class except 2. But to only skip two classes out of however many classes I had during lent is pretty good! It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although some day were much harder than others. Do I love going to class now? no. But I have a new respect for class and a new purpose for going. God has placed me in school, no matter how much I try to fight that, I am in school and will continue to be in school for several more years. School has always been something I have to do. Something to fill time between summers or while I'm waiting to go some place exciting. But that isn't what school is about. (I know...this is REALLY late in the game to have this realization.) School isn't just something I have to do until something better comes along. It is part of my journey, my life, and my calling.
Before lent, I would ask myself 'why do I have to get out of bed / go to this pointless class?' and I never really had an answer. It was just something I had to do. And not having a real motivation made not going so much easier. During lent, my answer was 'because this is where I am called" and at first, I kinda rolled my eyes as I said it. But toward the end, it became affirming. Yes, God has called me to school and if he has called me here, I have the ability to do it. I'm missing where God has called me and missing important things is I just look as school as a filler.
Lent taught me to embrace where I am. This is a journey, and I am constantly moving. That has become all to real lately. But I can't miss where I am because I keep looking ahead.
What did lent teach you?
I survived lent! I made it 40 days and went to every single class. Okay....I went to every single class except 2. But to only skip two classes out of however many classes I had during lent is pretty good! It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although some day were much harder than others. Do I love going to class now? no. But I have a new respect for class and a new purpose for going. God has placed me in school, no matter how much I try to fight that, I am in school and will continue to be in school for several more years. School has always been something I have to do. Something to fill time between summers or while I'm waiting to go some place exciting. But that isn't what school is about. (I know...this is REALLY late in the game to have this realization.) School isn't just something I have to do until something better comes along. It is part of my journey, my life, and my calling.
Before lent, I would ask myself 'why do I have to get out of bed / go to this pointless class?' and I never really had an answer. It was just something I had to do. And not having a real motivation made not going so much easier. During lent, my answer was 'because this is where I am called" and at first, I kinda rolled my eyes as I said it. But toward the end, it became affirming. Yes, God has called me to school and if he has called me here, I have the ability to do it. I'm missing where God has called me and missing important things is I just look as school as a filler.
Lent taught me to embrace where I am. This is a journey, and I am constantly moving. That has become all to real lately. But I can't miss where I am because I keep looking ahead.
What did lent teach you?
Awareness!
Today, April 2nd, is Autism Awareness Day! If you know me at all, you know I have a heart for kids with special needs, and in fact, I came dangerously close to becoming a special education teacher. I've worked with lots of different kids who have special needs, everything form high functioning to severe and profound. And I just love them. I think kids with special needs are fun, challenging, but fun.
My senior year of high school I interned in an EC (exceptional children's) class at an elementary school. I worked in a room with 6 little boys, k-3rd, who where all at least mild/moderate but mostly severe and profound. During that year, I loved on all those boys. They were the highlight of my day. Sometimes I would skip my other classes just to stay in there with them. There was one boy though that stole my heart. He was 5 and had Down's Syndrome. He was high functioning, and smart...sometimes too smart, he was sneaky and knew how to get his way. There were many times I would look at him and see this look. I hated that look, because I knew he was about to blot. He loved to run and he was FAST. Countless times I chased him, full speed down the hall and around the school (as other teachers just moved out of the way instead of helping). This kid also was suborn!! He gave me a run for my money and there were times we had a battle of wills. One day, he even bit me. It was a massive bruise/cut at the time, but now I just have a tiny little scar. But this kid also would crawl in my lap, tell me jokes, whisper secrets in my ear, run to me the moment I walked in the room to show me something he had done, and called me "S-air-i-ca" (because he had trouble with J). He had me totally wrapped around his finger.
I'm not going to lie and say 'when I look at kids with special needs, I don't see the disability.' I do see the disability. But I look past that to see these kids for who they are, and not define them by a disability. Growing up, there were people in my life who were older than me and had disabilities. Because they were older, I never had expectations of what they should be like. I just saw them for who they were. That is somethings that no amount of classes could have ever taught me. We have to let go of the 'normal' expectations for a child with special needs and understand 'normal' has gone out the window....and replaced with an amazing and unique individual.
Yesterday I heard someone say "a story dies if it is not told." Stories live through people telling them. Kids with special needs have great stories. I realize special needs isn't everyone thing. But if you have to chance to talk to someone with special needs, hear their story...or any story they tell...do it! It is so worth it!
If you have spent time with me, you also know I DESPISE "the R-word" when talking about someone with special needs. Its a word that is outdated and offensive. And if you use it around me, I will break you of the habit :)
My senior year of high school I interned in an EC (exceptional children's) class at an elementary school. I worked in a room with 6 little boys, k-3rd, who where all at least mild/moderate but mostly severe and profound. During that year, I loved on all those boys. They were the highlight of my day. Sometimes I would skip my other classes just to stay in there with them. There was one boy though that stole my heart. He was 5 and had Down's Syndrome. He was high functioning, and smart...sometimes too smart, he was sneaky and knew how to get his way. There were many times I would look at him and see this look. I hated that look, because I knew he was about to blot. He loved to run and he was FAST. Countless times I chased him, full speed down the hall and around the school (as other teachers just moved out of the way instead of helping). This kid also was suborn!! He gave me a run for my money and there were times we had a battle of wills. One day, he even bit me. It was a massive bruise/cut at the time, but now I just have a tiny little scar. But this kid also would crawl in my lap, tell me jokes, whisper secrets in my ear, run to me the moment I walked in the room to show me something he had done, and called me "S-air-i-ca" (because he had trouble with J). He had me totally wrapped around his finger.
I'm not going to lie and say 'when I look at kids with special needs, I don't see the disability.' I do see the disability. But I look past that to see these kids for who they are, and not define them by a disability. Growing up, there were people in my life who were older than me and had disabilities. Because they were older, I never had expectations of what they should be like. I just saw them for who they were. That is somethings that no amount of classes could have ever taught me. We have to let go of the 'normal' expectations for a child with special needs and understand 'normal' has gone out the window....and replaced with an amazing and unique individual.
Yesterday I heard someone say "a story dies if it is not told." Stories live through people telling them. Kids with special needs have great stories. I realize special needs isn't everyone thing. But if you have to chance to talk to someone with special needs, hear their story...or any story they tell...do it! It is so worth it!
If you have spent time with me, you also know I DESPISE "the R-word" when talking about someone with special needs. Its a word that is outdated and offensive. And if you use it around me, I will break you of the habit :)
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