waiting to change

Before I really get into this blog, can we take a minute to acknowledge the fact that this makes my 3rd blog in a week?? YEAH!!!

Okay, enough of that.

There are two things I hate more than almost anything else. The first is change. I despise almost all typed of change, but I really hate when change pulls a ninja sneak attack from behind! The only time I am okay with change is when I get that "gotta move" feeling, that desire for an adventure! But that doesn't happen very often. The second thing I hate is waiting. I'm so impatient!! I have gotten better as I have gotten older, but I still have a ridiculously long way to go.

So yesterday, I had the realization that I am waiting for change. Isn't that just awesome?  I won't bore you with the details of the tearful fiasco that brought on this realization, but that was the conclusion I came to; I am waiting for change. And I have been for several months, but it has becoming more real lately. I'm just at one of those milestones in life where a lot changes all at once. There is nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down, I just have to wait. As I'm waiting for this change that is on the horizon, I have lots of time to think about the change. Most people think about the new possibilities ahead. I'm not most people. I am so a 'glass half empty' kinda person. I think about everything that could go wrong. All the scary stuff. Now, don't think I'm one of those people that lets the fear of change stop me from living life. I'm totally not that extreme! But there is a lot of fear in change.

After I realized I am waiting for change, I also realized I've had more self doubt lately. If you haven't figured it out already, I am a weird mix extreme self-confidence/ self-assurance and major self-doubt. I know exactly who I am, what I'm about and have a pretty good idea of where I'm going. That comes from 90% God's amazing power in my life and 10% of my pure stubbornness and determination. But then there is the part of me that questions, doubts, and makes my heart wander away. And apparently  waiting for change kicks that part of me into high gear.

I love how God prepares me for things that I don't even realize. Two days ago God reminded me of the power of prayer. Then I have this realization that I am waiting for change. Is this realization fun? no. Is it something I need to acknowledge, confront, and deal with? yes. I needed to be reminded of the power of prayer for many different reasons, and one reason was so  dealing with 'waiting for change' wouldn't be so bad. Its like putting on a helmet before playing football. That tackle is still going to hurt like hell, but you've got great protection. (that's a really weird analogy, I know, but its all I could think of.)

Prayer

Today was all about answered prayers! And it was truly AMAZING!!

Around 11:30am, me and one of my friends raced to the post office because we just knew our divinity school letters would be there. Neither of us had checked it all weekend and we just knew today was the day.  We were right. There is was sitting in my PO box! My letter. I tore the envelope open as fast as I possibly could  and saw the beautiful words "The Admissions Committee of Campbell University Divinity School is pleased to approve your application for admission."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I was literally jumping up and down in the post office (thankfully no one else was in there, but it really wouldn't have stopped me if there was) and saying "I GOT IN! I GOT IN!" I was and still am so excited! My face hurts from smiling so much today. I have been praying about this for months! Asking God 'is divinity school right?' 'can I really do this?' and over the pass week I have just been praying to get in. AND I DID!!!!!! God has heard my prayers and answered in a big way. Its not just getting in to CUDS (Campbell Divinity) but its starting the next part of my life, continuing to follow God's call on my life, and learning how to do effective ministry.

I have also been praying about SHINE, asking God to fill us with passion and to move in this group. Again, God has answered in a huge and amazing way!!! He has filled me with a passion that is so astonishing, I don't even know how to fully express it. Its not that God started moving. God has always been moving, I just wasn't paying attention. God has opened my eyes to what he is doing. I am part of this amazing community that craves The Word, and encourages one another, and seeks Christ.

Last week at SHINE, we all wrote our name on a piece of paper, put them in the middle, mixed them up, and then picked someones name and prayed for that person all week. We started tonight by telling who we prayed for then sharing prayer request/ praises. Every SINGLE person had an answered prayer from this past week! It was so incredible to see how prayer had affected each and every person there tonight.

I have to laugh at myself. I am so blown away by what God has done, but I shouldn't be. I asked God to move me and God did! God hears my prayers! They are important. God may not answer in exactly the way I expect, but God will answer. I matter to him and God hears my prayers!!

Lent

Today marked the first day of lent. I have never really done lent, I know what its all about, but I have just never done it. I have several friends who are giving up something for lent. I have a lot of respect for them and their commitment to become closer to God. Earlier today, I joked that I should give up skipping class for lent. But then it stuck in my head. Like a voice, nudging me, saying "why don't you give it up?"  Umm...because I love skipping class?And going to every single class from now till Easter would be HARD!  I think there has been one week all semester that I have actually gone to all my classes. I skip all the time. Sometimes I skip just because I'm bored and don't want to go. But sometimes I skip because I am frustrated and don't think I can do it.

But those are lame excuses. Lent is about remembering the sacrifice Christ made for us. About  spending more time with God, and about embracing where God has placed you. Right now, God has called me to be in school. So for lent, I'm going to go to all my classes, keeping up with the work, and I'm going to try to see it as something positive, rather than a chore I just have to suffer through.

For lent, I'm going to class. I know it sounds weird. Most people give up social media, soda, coffee, add a work out, or something else along those lines. But I am giving up cutting class. It is exactly what I need to do.  Wish me luck.

Ummm...what?

Do you ever have those moments where you walk into a situation, 100% sure its going to go a certain way, then God totally shattered your expectations, so you're left standing there, picking your jaw up off the floor, trying to remember how to form words but all that is coming out are some confused "ummm"s and you just feel like this?


The best part is, I asked God for one thing, expected the complete opposite, and then was floored when I got what I had asked for.

I am part of this ministry group and I LOVE it!!! But we are struggling. We are struggling spiritually, emotionally, physically, and directionaly (is that a word? It is now.) Earlier this week we pretty much set down and had a DTR about the ministry. I was 100% sure we were going to call it quits. I was not at all okay with that, and shed many tears over it.  I poured my heart out at God asking what to do, and to please give us the direction and resources for this group to continue. But I didn't believe it. I limited God. I listen to my own self doubt that told me I had failed and so the group was going to end.

But then God completely blew me away and reminded me of how big God is. As the meeting got going, everyone else in the room was filled with this fire and passion that we had when we first started the group. They were fighting to continue because there is still a need and a passion for this group but most importantly, there is still a calling on our lives! We have let check lists and numbers cloud that calling, but the Holy Spirit started breaking through all of that. God was speaking through everyone in that room and I was LITERALLY sitting there with my mouth open, completely and totally speechless!

Over the past few days, it has slowly hit me what happened. The passion I once felt for this group is starting to fill me up again. However (this is me...of course there is a 'however') the self doubt voice is still there. What if we can't do it? What if  we fail? I just want to tell the self doubt to SHUT  UP!!! but it is there. I can't ignore but I will not let it run this group. God is bigger than my self doubts, bigger than the problems I am having. I know this sounds totally cliche and very Sunday school. And I really hate to sound churchy and shit. But I also know it takes a lot for me to sit there speechless. I am in awe of God and what he is doing.

Will this group survive? I don't know. Will God continue to move and work? ABSOLUTELY!!!

Be creative

I am defiantly not an artist, but I get in creative moods sometimes. A friend showed me how to do this really cool painting, and its pretty easy too. And spending the  day painting is surprisingly relaxing.

Step 1
Print off picture

Step 2
Flip the paper over and shade it with a pencil 

Step 3
paint canvas

Step 4
Place the paper on the (dry) canvas and trace the  picture. It will act like a stencil .

Step 5
Paint.
Yes, that coffee ring in the corner is real coffee. I 'finger painted'  with the last few sips of my coffee.  The quote says "A cup of coffee with a friend is happiness and time well spent"

I did this one the same way.