Trail blazing beside the beaten path

This past weekend I moved into my new apartment! Its a nice little studio, right across the street from campus. This is the first time I've lived alone and the first time I've lived in an apartment instead of a house. 

And its great! I am totally on love with my new apartment. There is just one tiny down side. Along with my rent doubling from the last place I lived, I now have to pay utilities. And with no job on the horizon, I am doing everything I can to save money. Seriously. Its a little extreme. I don't turn my lights on until  at least   4pm. Why should I when I can open the blinds and have sunlight come in? I also refuse to plug my air conditioner in. Its just blowing out money in the form of cold air. And besides, my ceiling fan cools the apartment just fine.  I also unplug everything! Because its not enough to just turn it off. 

Does all this stuff really help lower my bill? I don't know, we'll see. But I have it in my head that it does. I'm on a mission to have the cheapest electric bill possible! And when  I get on a mission or get some idea in my head, its going to happen.

But sometimes that mind-set becomes my downfall. I'm not saying its an all around bad thing. Its actually one of my character traits I'm proud of. But it becomes a problem when I get on a one track train of thought. I get this idea of how to reach my goal and that becomes the only possible way to reach the goal. I trail blaze but sometimes there is already a path. 

I was talking to someone the other day and I said "I would like to try the easy way, just once, to see what its like. " She laughed and said "I don't think you can recognize the easy way."  Gotta love when someone says that. She meant it in a very loving way, but she is right. I am very goal-driven but I rarely stop to consider the different ways to get to my goal. I always get there but I go my own way. Sometimes that way is stubborn, long, and difficult. And I sure as hell don't stop to ask for directions. But I also don't give up, compromise or settle for something easier. 

So what if I don't take the easy way. I'm okay with that. It makes me stronger and more driven. 

Marriage and rainbow bread

I was having coffee with someone today and while waiting on her to get there, I was checking Huffington Post. I came across two very different articles, both relating to Christianity and marriage. One was so unbelievably ridiculous that I just had to share the stupidity. The second, in my opinion,  is going in the right direction, but still kinda missed the mark. So this is my rant for the day.

First, read this post.
I have never been a fan of Pat Robertson and can't wait for the day he retires. But this is bad even for him. He is giving men permission to cheat and lust after women simply because they have a penis. Ummm...HELL NO! Men have a brain! Cheating isn't like sneezing--its not some involuntary movement. It is a conscious choice.   AND then he said  that it is the wife's fault that the man cheats because she didn't keep the house well enough or wasn't pretty enough?!?!?! What the f..... Are you kidding me? I was literally speechless when I read this.

Even though I continue to be shocked by this man's stupidity, I do have to give him some credit. Everyone is up in arms right now about having a traditional marriage, or a biblical marriage. Most people think that means 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and the picture perfect leave it to Beaver image. Well, I hate to burst that bubble, but that is a far cry from a biblical marriage. In biblical times, a man could sleep with other women and it wasn't cheating (but a women would be killed if she slept with another man). This is because women were property. It's like if you got a rental car--you're not cheating on your car because its property. That was basically the same idea then. So, in a really weird way, Robertson is advocating for a marriage that is more true to what is in the bible...he is still an idiot and giving people TERRIBLE "spiritual guidance"   but its not that far from what is in the bible.

Second, there is this post.Now, I am ALL FOR EQUALITY! And I am also very proud of the church when it takes steps to bridge the gap and heal some of the hurt with the gay community. However, rainbow communion bread is a little bit of a stretch. I just can't get fully on board here. I can completely see the logic behind it and I think the intention is amazing. In the article, Rev. Bakker says "I don't think Jesus is insecure about sharing communion with others, including gay folks who suffered." I 100% agree with this statement. Jesus came for everyone and invited everyone to break bread with him. But rainbow pride communion bread doesn't really sit right with me. I think it takes focus away from the reason we do communion. Communion is such an important tradition but like any tradition, its easy to just go through the motions and forgot why we are truly doing it. I really am all for anything that brings the church and gay community together, but I think there was a better way to go about this.

Those are two very different views on marriage. To me, it is just a sad reminder of how divided the church is. There are different denominations and creeds, and political stands. Isn't all that a bit counter-productive? Why can't we agree in the love of Jesus Christ? And....I'm about to rock your world...you ready? We can still disagree and love each other. Shocking, I know. I was watching an interview with Susan Sparks (who, btw, I am totally in love with!) and she was addressing this issue. She said "we are still a family. Why can't we agree to disagree? And put efforts into more important things."

Although, sometimes I wonder if the (american) church would actually survive without division. Would we even know what to do with ourselves?

God is big enough

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Its something that took me a long time to realize.

God is big enough to handle me being mad at him.

Growing up, I pretty much thought it was a sin to be mad at God. Really, I thought anger in any form was wrong. But here is the thing, God gave us emotions. God gave us the ability to be mad. Despite popular belief, anger and being mad aren't sins. It becomes a sin when we allow our anger to hurt ourselves or hurt other. But the actual emotion of anger is not a sin. Even Jesus got angry. But I feel like we are feed this lie that we can't be mad at God--that we are only allowed to be joyful, reverent, and polite with God. And that is crap. We are allowed to be mad and more specifically, to be mad at God.  And God is big enough to handle us being mad at him, which I think is amazing. I don't really want to worship a god that punishes me for an emotion he gave me or that can't handle my human emotions. I want to and do worship a God that allows me to have emotions and to bring those emotions to him.

Right now, I'm mad at God. There are some major changes going on, changing that are affecting my convictions and my core. Which is fine, the actual issue needs to be dealt with, but what I'm mad about is the timing. If it would have happened a year ago, the outcome would have been drastically different than it is now. So now I'm left with a lot of questions and hurt. And I'm mad. I'm mad at the situation and I'm mad at God, at the timing and just how this whole thing happened. I've yelled at God and questioned God. I kinda feel like a kid throwing a tantrum--I just keep yelling until I tire myself out and finally fall into God's embrace. And that makes me stand in awe of God. I can yell at God and be pissed but God is still the same. God is big enough to take my yelling and to handle me being mad. God isn't going to damn me to hell or punish me for yelling and being pissed. God wants all of me and right now, this is me. And even though I am really really mad, I am also able to find comfort in God. I'm not running or pushing God away. This isn't hindering my walk--if anything it is making it stronger. True, lasting relationships come from people seeing you at your worst, and standing by you when you crumble. Life is messy and ugly and there is anger. And God is big enough for all of that.

Class of 2013

ITS OFFICIAL!!!!!!!I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It kinda feels like a dream. A really awesome dream! I can't believe I have a Bachelor of Science Degree! AHHHHH! 4 years of education and religion classes, plus a few pointless classes thrown in there. I am a college graduate and in August will start on my masters! How crazy! 

As we were marching into graduation, I was looking around, taking it all in, and it kinda caught my breath and I got a little teary. (I know....I keep having emotions! Its weird.) I am so proud to be a Campbell graduate! And I'm proud of myself. I don't say that often, in fact this might be the first time ever I'm saying I'm proud of myself, but I am. I have a college degree and will start a masters program in the fall. It feels good. 

So Congrats to the class of 2013!! We did it! #CUProud #2013

Comfort or Adventure?

I love a good adventure story--from fictional stuff like Tarzan, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games to real life stories of missionaries who literally climbed mountains and braved jungles to reach people. Its that all-in, fighting for a cause, risking everything, in constant danger, on the edge of your seat kinda story that I love.

I get lost in the stories, and even completely picture myself as the hero. Can't you see me running through the woods with a bow and arrows? Yeah.....me neither. Lets just pretend  that somehow I wouldn't get lost, eat the poisonous berries,  or die in battle. There is still another problem with going on a real-life adventure. An adventure requires major change. A few days ago I had this sudden urge to starting packing my room. I have lived in this house for three years, but I didn't think it would be a big deal. I'm just moving a few blocks, but as I sit here, with boxes of things I won't need for the next few weeks piled in the living room and looking at the bare walls in my room, I am realizing things are changing. Starting to pack up my house plus the fast approaching graduation day has turned me into some emotional girl that cries.....a lot and for no apparent reason. How lovely (insert sarcasm).

But here is the thing, my life is an adventure right now. There are big changes, unknown, fighting for a cause (the cause being an education) and a lot of new things ahead. And I hate it. I want things to go back to the way they were last semester or, even better, back to junior year. I want  a sense of security or comfort.

On the other hand, I do love adventure. I love the adrenaline rush of diving in. When I made big moves to Campbell, Hawaii, Macedonia, or the first summer at Camp, that heart-pounding feeling felt so natural. I crave it! I want adventure--adventures of following God around the world to swinging from vines in the judge and everything in between!

Its the small, ordinary life adventures --like graduating from college -- that I struggle with. But that is my life. I am okay with the big adventures, the big 'calls'. I jump in with little question and I'm fearless because I know God is in control. But things in my every day life, I question and run from. Isn't that strange that the bigger, seemingly more scary things are easier to accept and embrace? In the end, I prefer adventure. Even though I fight it sometimes, I would be bored with a comfortable life. I need risk and challenge. I need to find my own way and blaze my own trail. I need the all-in, heart pounding, adrenaline rush of an adventure. Besides, most heroes fight it at first too.