to laugh, remember, and give thanks.

Today I cleaned my room for a grand total of 7 hours! Not the house, just my room. I'm not a secret hoarder or anything. I did more than just dust and vacuum. I for real CLEANED. I organized stuff, found some long lost treasurer,  and threw away a lot of useless junk. It was very freeing to get rid of clutter and condense some things.

It was also kinda hard. I found some things I wasn't expecting to find. Things like letters, notes and pictures from old relationships. It caught me completely off guard because I was sure I had burned all that stuff years ago, but I guess I had missed some. So that was a 'fun' surprise. I also found cards from mom updating me on a hard situation my family was going through and a gift my grandfather gave me before he died. I found a lot of sad stuff. But I also found some amazing stuff. I found a letter a friend wrote me while I was in Hawaii  some camper art, and sweet notes from camp staffers. This little gem is the funniest thing I found all day. At camp we had a blessing box and would write blessing all week and then read them on Sunday  I don't even remember what year this is from, but it made me laugh out loud.

It was good to look back on different parts of my life. Some of the things I needed to throw away and remember why the relationship ended. To just move on. Other things I needed to put in a safe place so I can be reminded of the good times I had.

I've had this song stuck in my head for days!  It is about being thankful, even though there is still so much that needs to be done in the world, we need to be thankful and know what we can change  the world.  Finding all those "lost treasures" has made me very thankful for the people that have been in my life and the things that have changed my world. It also reminded me there is a lot in this world I want to change. 

Today was a good day to laugh, reflect, remember, let go, and give thanks. 

Its love.

I'm still alive, although you can't tell by my blog post. In October, I posted at least once a week. November had a grand total of 1 post (2 if you count this one). Its not that November has been uneventful, its been very eventful actually, but it has just gone by so fast! In fact, my whole semester has gone by fast! Everyone says senior year goes by fast but this is a little ridiculous. This semester has FLOWN. Its like faster than the speed of light! In the past I would have given anything for my semesters to go by this fast, but now I'm really wishing there was a pause button somewhere. But no. This semester has gone so fast, you just kinda close your eyes and hope you don't crash.

I feel like I haven't had time to do anything this semester! One thing I haven't gotten to do much is read. Reading for pleasure that is. I have read plenty this semester, but mostly stuff for class. And while Dr. English's book Theology Remixed was really good, I haven't gotten to read books I enjoy nearly as much as I would have liked.

I love reading. I love getting lost in a book and investing in the characters. I always tell myself  "just a few more pages.....I'm just going to finish this chapter." 4 chapters later I finally find the will power to put the book down. I haven't always loved reading. I hated it for a long time. Truly hated it. But that's the life of a dyslexic kid. Mom even swears she used to pay me to read, although I remember no such deal.

 I always loved stories, even when I didn't like to read. .When I was a kid,  I loved when  people would  to read to me, especially  The Box Car Children. That was my favorite growing up and where I got my first taste of getting hooked on a story. I also love  to watch a movie and watch the story develop   When I was a kid, I would make up stories and have my Barbies and stuff animals act them out. I remember the first time I saw The Nutcracker and sitting wide-eyed in the theater as I got sucked into the story of Clara and her wooden solider.   I was and still am all about a good story. But it wasn't until about 2 years ago that I really started appreciating the wonder of books. Now I can't get enough. Its like crack! I just need one little fix! Just one more chapter!!!

So what kind of books do I like? All kinds. But my favorite has to be dystopia books. The fallen or twisted society. I don't know why I love it, but I do. Books like Divergent, Hunger Games and Delirium. SOO good! There is always one character (usually the main one) who, either by choice or some situation they are thrown into, decided to stand up and fight! I love the risking it all, fighting for a better life. I love cheering for the rebellion.

I also like ministry books, like Kisses from Katie. Travel books (either time or regular) like Moloka'i, Wonderlust, and The Time Traveler's Wife spark my interest. I like classics like The Scarlet Letter, Sound and the Fury, and To Kill a Mocking Bird. I read Scarlet Letter in high school and feel in love with Hester. I love the chaos in Sound and the Fury. I even liked Oedipus Rex and The Odyssey when I read them. But they are not on my frequent-reading list.

I could go on listing books for pages. But my favorite book (and don't judge me for this) is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  I LOVE Harry Potter...like a whole lot. But the Order has always been my favorite. It's the turning point in this epic journey. Its full of loyalty, friendship, magic, evil, love, adventure, and risking it all to fight for Good. Everything I love wrapped up into one book.

I love to open a book and looking into this other world. To get drawn in and visit these places, some real, some pretend or to travel to the past or get a gimps of whats to come. There is nothing better than curling up with a book.

What books do you love? Any good recommendations?

Pretty Clothes

A lot of people are doing the 30 days of thankfulness thing. I have been doing it during my Jesus time, journaling something I'm thankful for and then spending time in prayer about it. Today, I am totally thankful for pretty clothes, but more specifically, a dress and 2 sweater I got yesterday. I LOVE them!!! I love how I look in them, I love how they feel. And I love how I feel in them. I just love them and can't wait for it to get a little colder so I can wear them.

Okay, so don't write me off as a totally valley girl who is obsessed with clothes and material things. Most days, I rock a t-shirt, jeans, hoodie and a pair of converse with a hole in them. This whole "I like pretty clothes" is a really new thing for me. Its new for 2 reasons. First, I have reached a point in my life where I need "grown-up clothes." Meaning I need clothes I can wear to an interview, internship, or even class. And as scary as all that is, a new dress makes the entering the grown up world a little less scary. The second, and more important reason I have developed this love of clothes, is I feel good in them. There was a point in my life several years ago when I wasn't excited about clothes. I didn't want pretty clothes because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I put too much value in worldly beauty, being a certain size, having the "right" brand of clothes or flawless makeup every day. My confidence was a day-to-day thing. If I had a bad hair day, my confidence was shattered for the whole day. Even on days when I had a good hair day or pretty shirt, I couldn't enjoy it. It felt like a chore. I desperately wanted Harry Potter to be real so I could get an invisibility cloak and just hide under it.

But then God started teaching me to see myself the way He sees me. Slowly but surely, I started to see myself as His creation, starting seeing His beauty in me. I stopped caring about what was considered beautiful and started to become comfortable in my own skin. Once I became comfortable in my own skin, I was able to enjoy things like a pretty new dress.

This doesn't mean I always dress up. Right now I'm in a campus ministry shirt, jeans that I febrezed this morning, and hair in a messy bun. And it also doesn't mean I feel "pretty" every day either. Like today. Today was not a "pretty" day. Mostly because I rolled outta bed at 10:47 for an 11:00 class. (Hence the messy bun.) But I still feel comfortable in my own skin and one bad hair day doesn't change that.

Being excited about pretty clothes or not caring that my hair is a hot mess reminded me to be thankful that I'm comfortable in my own skin. To thank God for teaching  me to see myself the way He sees me.

Not a one-size-fits-all kinda thing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my story/journey/testimony/ whatever you want to call it. I've been thinking about it because I am having to write it out for my divinity application and its terrifying. Really....they are asking me to document how inadequate I am so they can sit there and read it. Umm, no thanks. That sounds even more unpleasant than having an 8:00am class every single day. Applying to Div school is like that dream where you go to school and then suddenly realize you don't have any clothes on. Terrifying, Scary,Hoping no one judges you. AHHH.  But, If I want to get into divinity school, I have to do it, I have to write the essay. (Oh yeah, by the way. I stopped freaking out about divinity school  fighting God about Divinity. I still don't really think I can do it, but I do feel God pulling me there. So I'm filling out the application and hoping for the best. Fingers crossed!)

Okay so I have to write my "testimony". What does that even mean? First of all, I hate the word testimony. It feels too churchy, too official, too concrete, too....old. I like story or journey much better, because that's what it is. Its the story of how God has grown me, shaped me, and loved me. Its the journey I'm on with God, where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going.  I haven't always been proud of my story. I have been judged for my story. Judged to the point that I didn't want to tell it anymore! Some was outright judgement. Other times it was someone saying something, "How can that girl do that and still call herself a Christian?" They weren't talking about me, but I had done that  and worse! I have also been extremely blessed to have Godly people that encourage me in telling my story. People that taught me it is okay to have the story I have. And people that I feel comfortable telling my story to because I know they love me.

Thinking about my personal story has made me think about people's journeys as a whole. In the Christian world, a person's story should be shared, accepted, and encouraged right? Right, it SHOULD be. But is it always? Are we always excited to hear people's story? Or do we have to set aside one Sunday night a month to have "testimony time".  Do we always encourage someone's story? Some people/places expect you to have a "Road to Damascus" story. Their story/faith isn't valid if it doesn't start with Hell raising, drugs, drinking, sex and running from God and end with this huge, emotional and spiritual moment that came from hitting rock bottom. On the other hand, some places condemned people for having a "Road to Damascus" story. People are judged when they didn't grow up in church and accept Christ one summer at camp as a kid.  But that's not how it should work! Our journey with God isn't a one-size-fits-all kinda thing. Every person  has a unique and beautiful story about God's love.

Even my story doesn't fall into just one catagory. I did grow up in the church, and started following Christ when I was a kid. But I made a LOT of bad decision. Like really bad and so ridiculous! And I have most defiantly hit rock bottom...hard.  I don't say that to glorify the bad decisions. I'm so proud of my story, not because of anything I have done, but what God has done, even when I gave him ever reason to think of me as a lost cause. My story may have some rough spots. Mostly, those rough spots are because I ran, I disobeyed God, I made bad decision. My story also has triumphs, achievements, and just some cool stuff. And what makes my story beautiful is God's love in all of it.

So this is the part where I lay my story out for you.

 umm....about that. I know I just wrote this whole thing about telling your story and being proud. But I'm not going to lay it all out on this blog for everyone to see. There is no great reason other than I'm scared too. I do love my story, but I am still a bit to guarded to just lay it all out. Also, a good bit of my story  involves other people, some truly amazing and hugely positive influences on my life and some are bad relationships and hurt feelings. And even if I don't use names, some of them would probably be easy to figure out and that isn't fair to them or to me.  However, if you do want to hear my story, ask me! I will tell you! But know, I am going to ask you about your story too!!!!

ps
I thought about not writing this. I was debating it, not because of the quality or anything. But because this blog is suppose to be about ministry, LIFE, and coffee. All my blogs are about ministry and not life. AHHH.. stupid. Like I can separate the two or something? Like I have a quota of ministry blogs, quota of life blogs and quota of coffee blogs each month. Ministry is life and the parts of my life that aren't ministry are either boring (like 5 hours in the library....yeah I know, you don't want to read a blog about that) OR , for different reason, are not appropriate to post on here (nothing crazy! Just personal relationships that don't need to be blogged about.) I say all that to say, sorry if this blog is turning into a churchy blog. So not my intention.

The love of chaos!

Per-blog side note. Several post ago, I talked about Jamie The Very Worst Missionary.  She is my favorite blogger and a huge inspiration for me to start my own blog. I found this interview from a few years ago. Its long but totally worth listening, especially if you read her blog.

Okay, so now on to the real blog. 

Last night SHINE hosted Trunk or Treat for BFA. It was AWESOME!!! We had a tone of volunteers and people from the community come out! We had games set up, a photo booth, and of cores  lots of yummy junk foods. We had a huge crowd from the moment it started right up until the very end! There were only a few minor problems during the night, one of the biggest being we had to limit how much candy a kid could get at each game because we ran out TWICE. And if you ask me, that is a pretty good problem to have. 

For me, a good part of the night was spent running around, getting this or that for someone, making sure all the games had everything they needed, and basically doing 100 things at once. But I loved every minute of it. I love that chaos that sometimes comes with  ministry. There is a normal side, where you can sit and calmly answer emails, plan an event or have coffee with someone. But there are also these moments that are just pure chaotic energy! Moments where you are literally running all over the place, having 10 different people call your name at once, your heart it racing, and 10000 things are going on around you! I totally love it! But sometimes in the chaos you forget things. Example, last night I forgot a costume (yes...I forgot a costume to a Halloween event...don't judge.) So I joked and said "my costume is I have my life together!" HA!

I love the energy I get from diving head first into the chaos. I also love that when I take on the chaos, it frees up others. That might sound kinda weird, let me explain. While I'm running around getting extra balls or putting out more candy, it frees up other people and allows them to focus all their attention on just building relationships. Last night as I was running all over the place, I saw CU volunteers encouraging kids, giving high fives, playing games and I even saw one very manly (and sexy)  tennis player having a hop scotch race with a little princess who couldn't have been more than 5. I saw BFA volunteers having conversations with parents and CU volunteers. I love being able to do behind the scenes stuff, providing resources or even going to get an extra ball so they don't have to take time away from one-on-one ministry. Don't get me wrong, I love building relationships! I am the definition of an extrovert, I crave people and desire relationships. But I also really love getting the ideas, materials, resources, or games together so others can just take it and then put all of their focus and energy into building relationships. 

And the really cool thing about all these relationships that were being built is they weren't forced. We didn't do Trunk or Treat as a way to get people from CU or the community to come to BFA so they could be a project. We recognized the need that children of Angier needed a safe place to come for Halloween. We (SHINE and BFA) don't see people as projects. We make friends, meet needs and just live life with people. Ministry isn't about projects. Its about asking someone how their day was while munching on Halloween cookies, celebrating with a mom who told you her daughter has gone up a whole reading level, praying with a college kid who has just had a bad week or giving a 9th grade girl advise about boys. (All conversations from last night.) Just because someone is in a different situation than you, doesn't mean they should be a project. I was so proud of CU and BFA last night. There were no projects going on. Just people building relationships with one another. 

"Scare the Hell out of you"

In one of my religion classes we are talking about Hell. My professor discussed several main views of hell, and passages to back each view. For sometime now I haven't been sure what I believe about Hell. I DO NOT believe its the Hollywood image of the red devil with a pitch fork. I do believe there is something, but I'm not sure what. Christ came to save us from our sins, sins that separate us from God. I do believe there is some kind of separation, but I don't know what that is. I struggle to understand the 'forever' part. Its just so hard for me to comes to grips with the idea that God would willingly be separated from us forever! So I don't know what I believe, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is the way Hell is used.

My professor started the lecture by reading some 'cleaver' church signs about Hell.



I completely agree with him when he said "if you believe in Hell, why would you make a joke about it? If you believe people will be separated from God and torturer for all of eternity  why would you make a cute church sign about it?" I get angry when people preach "Gospel at gun point", when they use scare tactics. With Halloween just a few days away, I keep hearing stuff on the radio about churches doing judgement house. And I just want to ask them "so...you are CHARGING people to come to your church, so you can show a distorted view of hell, and scare them into loving Jesus?" Yes, Hell/separation from God is pretty much the most terrifying thing in the world. But people are missing the point when they scare people into Christianity.


Being a Christian isn't about having 'fire insurance'! Its about relationships! Its about a beautiful, wonderful, and loving relationship with our Creator! Its not about escaping something bad. its about embracing something amazing! If we become Christians out of fear of Hell, what  is our foundation built on?  A foundation build on fear crumbles FAST. But a foundation build on love is so incredibly strong.


Please don't think I'm watering down Hell or thinking its not significant. As much as I hate scaring people into church, I also hate sweeping Hell under the rug. I just don't think people should be scared into following Jesus.

Is this real life?

The title comes from that video, David after the dentist, where the kid is on some good pain killers and nothing in his world makes sense. Yeah, that's how I feel. So sorry if this blog is a little crazy. You have been warned. Enjoy. 

The other day I did something kinda crazy.....I registered for classes! I know what you're thinking, "Watch out for that one. She is totally living on the edge." Registering for classes is not really a crazy thing. I've done it loads before. But this time IS crazy because I just registered for my very last semester of college! The last 15 hours I will ever take as an undergraduate.

WOW. How in the hell did that happen??

It hasn't fully hit me yet. It keeps hitting me in waves. I just came to grips with actually being a senior, now I'm trying to let it sink in that I just signed up for my last semester of college. And don't even talk to me about graduation. Graduation still seems like way far away in the future. It almost has a fairy-tale feel to it. Something that only happens to people with great hair that hang out in the woods. Its not real.

I think all this is so strange to me because I never actually fully  thought it would happen. There is a tiny part of me that never thought I would finish college. Obviously I did want to finish or I wouldn't have gotten this far. But I have always struggled in school. I'm not naturally smart and I'm not good at school. I work my ass off for C's. It doesn't matter how hard I work, or how well I prepare. My papers aren't good and I always bomb tests. (Please don't think I'm playing the dyslexic card for sympathy. I despise doing that. I'm just trying to give you a tinny glimpse of background.)

At least part of me, honest to God, expected to drop out of college (or flunk out).  But here I am. A senior with 15 hours left. I WILL graduate in May. That is so weird to say, but its happening (or so I keep telling myself). I think about everything that I struggled with or overcame along the way. All the tears, late nights spent struggling to finish homework,the IEP plan, struggling to be on grade level,  the teachers that believed in me, the teachers that didn't believe in me, constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough, classes I loved, classes I hated, all the tests I hated and all the projects I loved. All that work, blood, sweat and tears to learn!

There are 3 main things that have gotten me here.
1. My parents. I don't always see eye-to-eye with my parents but when it came to school, they could not have done a better job. They love me and supported me, often when no one else did. They never punished me for bad grades because they knew they couldn't  come close to the hell I was already putting myself through. They did everything they could to find help for me, including countless long hours driving me to vision therapy  and tutoring as a kid. They stayed up late with me to finished homework, cried along with me when I couldn't do it and celebrated with me when I did good on a test.
2. My pure stubbornness to prove people wrong. There were a lot of people that thought I couldn't do testing without extended time, pass a class without modifications, take Honors/AP classes, or come to college. They set the bar too low for me. And I was not about to have that. I worked to prove them wrong! Every A I got on a test was a big F-YOU  right at them.
3. My own drive to succeed. I wanted to learn! I KNEW in my heart of hearts I could do it! From Kindergarten until right now, I have fought to succeed in school and refused to give up! I often refused help, drove myself to the point of tears, and got in way over my head. But I was driven. Yes, I have failed test and classes, been so frustrated I can't see straight, and even angry at God for  "not making me smart enough" but I never lost my drive. I had a desire to learn, and I was going to, no matter what!

Now, I'm here. I can see the freakin light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there.  And I have no idea how to respond. I don't know if I should worship, cry, be exhausted, be energized,  excited, scared, or just breath a sigh of relief. I can't believe this is real life. I keep waiting to wake up. Even thought I am in complete shock, I do know I can't stop. I may only have 15 hours standing between me and graduation, but I still have those 15 hours (and you know...the actual classes I'm in right now. It is only October.)

I have asked God about 100 times over the past few days "is this for real? Am I really at this point in life?" Yes, I am. So weird. But, pretty legit and awesome at the same time.

Coming... Home (?)

I'm spending the weekend at my favorite place IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Camp Mundo Vista. I love this place!!! I was on staff from summer 2007-2011. This place has shaped who I am in so many ways. Its home. I can't put into words what Mundo means to me. God has grown me, broken me, healed me, and guided me here. My heart is on this mountain in a way words simply cannot describe.

Last summer, I made the extremely hard decision to spend the summer overseas. I knew God was calling me somewhere else, and in truth, I did need to step away from Mundo for a summer. So I did. And it was so hard (wonderful, but hard.) I had every intention to come back to Mundo, I was just 'taking a summer off.'

As I started the application process this year, something just felt...wrong. I answered all the questions on the application except that one that should be the easiest to answer;  "why do you want to work at Mundo this summer?" I struggled with that question. I couldn't answer it. Like physically COULD NOT answer it. I realized my days as a Mundo staffer had come to a close. And it hit me HARD. Like ugly crying hard.


Like I said, I'm spending the weekend here. We are doing a GA (Girls in Action) day and I'm the missionary. I usually get this rush of joy when I drive up the curvy drive way but tonight, that feeling wasn't there. I was home...but it was different. It's like that totally awkward-first-time-home-after-moving-away-to-college feeling. Its home, but you don't know what your place is anymore. Your roles have changed.

I needed to reflect. To remember the good and bad of camp. So I went down to my favorite place at camp, the outdoor Chapel. Its pitch black, so its perfect to sit and look at the stars.  I'm reflecting on the 5 summers that I spent here. What I learned, how I grew, the friends I made and most importantly, the way God used this place to impact my life. So I'm filled with joy as I sit, reflect and let 5 summers wash over me. I am also grieving (can I use grieving here? Am I being too dramatic?).  I'm grieving leaving this place I call home.

I know God has a plan for me that isn't Mundo. A plan that will be so awesome. But right now, I would give anything to change that plan and to come back to this mountain one more summer (although I know it would always be 'just one more summer'. Hell, I'll be 80 and want to be here.)

 I can't tie this blog up in a nice, neat way. This place is home, but I don't belong here anymore. But my heart will always be here. Its weird to grow up is all I can say.

   

"I got this"

This week has been bat-shit-crazy! Sorry, but there is really no other way to describe it. It has been a roll-a-coaster of emotions and freak outs and hitting brick walls. And its only Tuesday! UGH.

HOWEVER, I have had 5 SERIOUSLY awesome and legit God moments literally back to back! Moments that God has provided for me, encouraged me and reminded me of his love. 

First, God has provided me with amazing friends that let me cry in their car or just lay on their floor when I have no energy to do anything else. Friends that love me and accept me for who I am, encourage me, make me laugh, comfort me and even give me some tough love when I need it.  God reminds me constantly through my friends that I am not walking this road alone. 

Second thing was just straight up encouraging. Rachel Held Evans spoke at CU tonight. I knew she was a blogger and wrote a book or something, but didn't really know who she was. OMG....now I'm in love!! I can't wait to read her blogs/books. She made me laugh and she also made me think. She is very similar to the Blogger, Jamie, I mentioned a few posted back ( so clearly I love her). I was so encouraged by what she had to say and she was hilarious! 

Third thing, God totally blew away my expectations. I had a meeting tonight and I hate to admit it, but I had set the bar fairly low. But  it was so GOOD! God was moving and working and everything was coming together and it was awesome!!! Everyone was coming up with great ideas and we were all focused! There was some God energy flowing in that meeting.

Fourth, God provided and met my physical needs!!! I got a check out of the blue. It was a reimbursement check that I had forgotten about. I was excepting $30-40. Nope. The check was enough to pay rent AND get coffee!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh!!! I forgot about this check forever ago! So I was totally blown away by the amount. It came at the PERFECT moment!

And finally, God provided me with assurance! I have been freaking out about SHINE lately, mostly about who will step up next year. I got an email tonight from one of our regular members saying she was interested in getting more involved and possibly stepping into a leadership role next year!!!!!!!! This pushed me over the edge (in a VERY good way). I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. 

I know God will provide, I really do. But the last few weeks have been a mixture of peace and anxiety. it was starting to take its tole. I was struggling and just spiritually and emotionally drained. Tonight, God reminded me in a HUGE way that he has, is and will provide for me! I feel like God is saying "I've got this. chill out." In the middle of my craziness, God provided not once but 5 times! Out of love, he has given me gifts, joy, assurance, and pure excitement! 

It is so easy to forget how hugely I am blessed. it is easy to left the stress take over and feel like I'm drowning.  But my creator is going to provide. God is not going to abandon me. He's got this! 

The one about church

There is a lot of stuff I love. Stuff that just makes me smile and things I do to make myself  happy. I love coffee, especially when I open the cabinet and my favorite mug is clean. Perfect. I love reading Harry Potter...well, any book really, when its storming outside. I love watching Doctor Who. I can't look at the ocean without laughing a little because it just makes me so happy. My heart leaps when I see the first lighting bug of the summer. I love bright colors and laughter. I could go on and on about things I love.

I also really REALLY love my church, Baptist Fellowship of Angier. BFA is more than something that just makes me happy, its good for my soul! There is nothing special about the actual church (the building), what's special is the people and the openness they have to seek God. BFA is a small church in the middle of Angier, which is kinda a poor neighborhood and  meets at 5:00 on Sunday night because the church is actually a Hispanic church that we borrow. Hope/need based, missions base, community based, maybe even Emergent all describe BFA. Its different from any other church I've been in.

I grew up in a good church, but it wasn't anything like BFA. The acceptance and STRONG community wasn't there, at least not for me. (please don't think I'm bashing the church I grew up in, I love them dearly. They are just very stereotypical southern baptist, traditional church.) I worked at a church in Hawaii, and got my first taste of what church is all about. When I came back from my 6 months in Hawaii, I was craving community. Then God put BFA in my life and I was blown away.

We do free after school tutoring, have events, meals, and other mission things.70% of our budget is spent on missions; sending people on missions, serving the people in our community, tutoring supplies, and support mission organizations like WMU. All of those things are awesome, but its not why I LOVE BFA. I love BFA because it goes back to the core of what church is all about; the body, fellowship, and love.

Body
We have a WIDE range of diversity in our body. BFA is made up of  students, kids, and families from all different races, backgrounds, cultures, finical standings, and even languages. The passage in 1 Corinthians 12 talks about the importance of every member. I have always felt a hierarchy in churches. But BFA embraces the differences of each member. Our goal is to serve the community and spread the love of God. One person can't do it. We all need each other and BFA embodies that in such a beautiful way.

Fellowship
Fellowship is a pretty big deal to BFA. When I say big deal, I mean like water is a big deal to a swimmer kidna thing. We need it, its who we are! We fellowship in all kinds of ways; through serving together, encouraging one another, game night, theological discussion, and response worship. Oh...we also eat together too....like every week! (We are baptist, what did you expect?)

Love
Love oozes out of BFA. You couldn't feel unloved there if you tried (and believe me, some people that  are running from God have tried.)  I experienced people investing in my life, spiritually, physically (they feed me..often), and emotionally. I (along with ANYONE that walked through the door) was welcomed and accepted. God's love shines so bright through the people of BFA, you need sunglasses to walk in the door. And we don't just love each other most of the time, we love each other during business meetings too! (Yes, I promise we are baptist! But we don't let politics or committees get in the way of love. There is a thing called common ground. Okay, that was the last shot at SBC...promise.)

God has used BFA repeated to heal my broken heart, deepen my theology, and give me a church to call home. If you have read my previous post, you know I am struggling with what comes next in my life. Tonight at BFA I was happier than I've been in days! God didn't take away my fears or beam a year-plan into my head (that would be LEGIT). He reminded my that He provided me with an epic church at the time I needed it most. He is going to continue to provide.

Remind me who I am.

I like to drive when I have a lot on my mind. I have't done it in a while because my bank account does not like me to use gas for no reason. But the other day, it was necessary. I had the windows down, music up, and sun on my face. Perfect! So I was driving along, just clearing my head when this song came on. I twas "Remind me who I am" by Jason Gray. I've heard the song before, but I never really paid much attention. Here. Listen to it.

I guess I need to give you a little background info before I tell you why I like this song so much. My FAVORITE way to describe God is Creator. It blows my mind and makes me smile every time I say it. Creator. If you are like me, and have grown up in church, you can pretty much recite Gen. 1 from memory. "God created the heavens and the earth, sky, sun, moon, land, seas, planets, animals, and finally humans." (obliviously that is a condensed version.) God created EVERYTHING that ever was, is or will be. Things as big as the Solar system, or as small the stupid fly buzzing around my room. Think of how much creativity, power, and just straight up awesomeness that took!

It took me a long time to understand that the Creator of all things also created me. I'm not something that happened by accident  God didn't just create the human race as a whole but left the details up to chance. God created each and ever person. He spent time on every single person. That is pretty much the coolest thing ever to me.

Okay, so back to this song. The whole thing is about needing to reminded we are HIS. Right now I'm questioning my calling, my abilities, my future, everything. And when I start to question all that, I start to question who I am. And I don't just mean trying to figure things out. No. This is some SERIOUS self doubt. As I was driving to clear my head, I asked God "what do you want me to do? What do you want me to be?" And this song came on.

My call, my future, my passions, all that can change. The thing that will forever be the same is I am HIS! I am created by God. So its okay that everything is a big question mark right now. I don't like that it is a big question mark, but its okay. God is reminding me daily that I belong to Him. That is who I am and who I need to be.

A Chance to Serve

I love to serve. Service is one of my spiritual gifts, its how I show love, and I'm so happy and content to serve others. I love building relationships, and getting to know people, figuring out what they need and all that jazz. My prayer is often "give me your eyes, so I can see those around me." Sitting and talking to someone over a cup of coffee is pretty much my favorite thing in the whole world.   I even wrote a post about for one of the other blogs. (I normally don't promote myself, I promise, but I'm kinda proud of this one.) http://www.mymissionfulfilled.com/index.php?q=blog/coffee-and-community

There is a (big) down side to my love of service though. I don't know how to just sit with someone who is hurting. I feel awkward when I sit when a friend who is crying. I want to fix it, to do something to make it better! But more often than not, I can't fix it and it totally breaks my heart when I can't fix it. (Actually, I  can't ever fix it, only God can, but you know what I mean.) I fully believe you can serve someone by just sitting with them, hugging them, and letting them know they are not alone. I'm just really bad at that part.

The other day God gave me a huge reality check/ life lesson. He gave me a chance to serve someone by just being there. I really wish I could say I followed God's (very clear) direction and built this wonderful relationship. Nope. I did just the opposite. I failed, and I knew I was failing as it was happening.

I was in the library studying for a mid-term and I heard this girl start to cry. It wasn't hard to figure out why she was crying. Its midterms, she slammed her book shut, pushed it away from her and buried her head in her hands. It wasn't a sobbing kinda cry, but she was crying none the less. Crying in the library is not all that uncommon, especially this time of year. It happens to the best of us. I think there is some unwritten rule, that when someone cries in the library, you just let them be. But that's stupid! This girl was clearly hurting!!

I could literally feel God pulling me towards her and saying "You want to serve the hurting? Here you go!" But I started making excuses. I don't have shoes on (BY FAR the lamest excuse in the history of the entire world, I know) I need to study, she probably wants to be left alone, she stopped crying, I don't even know her. And here is my real excuse Tears make me really uncomfortable.  UGHHH! All so lame!!!! And I'm a terrible person, I know.

That situation was COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone. Honestly, I find that really strange. This summer I went over seas for a month. Even though I saw stuff that SERIOUSLY broke my heart, I loved the opportunities God gave me to service through actions AND through just sitting with people. The church I go to, the ministry group I'm involved in, the internship I want, all involve people hurting. They challenge me at times, but I'm in my element there. Yet, a girl crying in the library is outside of my comfort zone?!?! I don't understand.

I'm not proud of how I responded and would give anything to go back in time to change it. But I can't. And I also can't beat myself up about it. I can't punish myself for not moving. The only thing I can do is process it in prayer and learn from it. There will be another stranger in need that God will call me to. I fully believe God can grow me from my failures, which is good, because I have a lot of them. God has blessed me with a servant's heart! He is teaching me how to use it. I might not get it right every time. But I'm also learning how to allow God to teach me through the failures.

For a Minute

So I read this blog. And when I say "read" I mean check it daily (sometimes twice) and totally love this blogger. Her name is Jamie (as a friend of mine says, "yeah I read her blog so much I feel like I know her. Jamie and I are friends.") and she writes "theveryworstmissionary" blog. If you don't know who she is, find her, read and love!

Anyway, like I said she writes this blog and I'm totally in love with it. I love it because she is real. She is a real missionary, real mom, real mistakes and real colorful language! I love her! My favorite post is titled "Who do you think you are?" and the very first senescent says

" I accidentally believed I was useful for a minute the other day." 

She talks about how  for a moment, she thought her own abilities were enough to do great thing. But then self-doubt and fear took over until all she could think was "who are you? You are not worthy."

I think I love this post so much because it pretty much sums up my life right now. Except I think "for a minute, I almost thought I was smart enough." For the past year, I have been living under the delusion that  I am smart enough to go to div school. In the words of Dolores Umbridge "This...is...a..LIE!" I'm soooo not cut out for div school. Here are a few reason why div school is a NO.
1. I have yet to go a WHOLE week all semester where I went to EVERY class AND paid attention.
2. School is HARD for me. And I don't mean I have to study hard, or edit papers 10 times. No, school is just hard. I can put in the work and not make the grades.
3. I hate despise... lets put it this way,  I'd rather cheer for Duke than go to school for 5 more years. (Okay so that might be a bit dramatic, but you get the idea.)

So I know what you're thinking. Don't go, duh! But I am called to ministry, that much I know. And I want to be prepared. If Divinity school is what will prepare me for ministry, that is what I want to do, but if there is another way, by all means, lets do that.

In Jamie's blog she finally heard God asking her "who do you think you are? Are you not my daughter?" The affirming love from the creator!

For me, even though I have no clue what is next, I'm happy. Normally when I'm this terrified, I run, or shut down, or..umm..engage in some rather bad and ineffective coping skills. But not this time!!! This fear is driving me into the word and prayer and its actually pretty cool!

I don't have a clue where I will be in a year. But I'm happy. And I will keep you posted.

I'm all in.

I'm reading a book for class and I came across the phrase "Love the Lord with your whole self." Now, I'm baptist, so this is not the first time hearing this phrase, in fact, there is a good chance I've heard it THIS WEEK! But for some reason it stuck out to me and I thought about it in a different way.

Love/follow God with your whole self. That means every single part of you. You can't half-ass following God. Your mind, body, soul,actions, and personality all come together to follow God with your whole self.

And its wonderful, but my "whole self" is not aw-inspiring or really awesome. Sometimes its not even good. My whole self if a combination of some great things like a servant's heart, and some awful things like jealousy and anger. So how do I love/follow Christ with my whole self? Do I go all in, with the good and bad? OR do I guard myself, and hide away the awful parts of my self?

I say go all in!! Here's the thing. As you are walking along the metaphorical road with Jesus, you can't say "Oh you go ahead, I'm going to stop here and bitch for a while, but I'll catch up with you." No. We follow and love God with our WHOLE self, not just the nice parts. God doesn't call perfect people. But he does call WHOLE people. He is asking us to be vulnerable, to put our self, our whole self, out there for God to use, shape, mold, and change.

This is really easy to type up in a blog, hit enter and be done. In reality, its hard to love with your whole self. Its much easier to say "God, I'm going to follow you with my whole self, except my  fill in the blank  (anger, anxiety, drinking, need for control, self-doubt. Whatever you like). I'm going to hold onto that, and even though its part of me, I'm going to keep it secret."  But when we follow God with our whole self, we are allowing him to shape us into these incredible people, and that my friends, is pretty cool.

Intro and all that jazz.

This makes my 3rd blog. I claim to be one of those people who doesn't need a schedule, or planner, or needs everything to be grouped and organized but in reality, I so am all those things. I do well with schedules, my planner is sitting next to me, and everything does have a place. Granted, that place is often my floor or the black hole known as my book bag  but non the less, everything does have a place. Which is why I am creating a 3rd blog. My fist blog (the quest) is my travel blog. It didn't start out that way, but was quickly forgotten until I go off somewhere and want to update people in my adventures. My second blog is for WMU's Mymissionfulfilled.com. They have "hired" me to write blogs for 6 months about the ins and outs of SHINE, the campus ministry I am involved in. So this blog is life. My day-to-day life, although I can promise you, this blog will NOT be updated daily. If I blog weekly, I will be pretty impressed with myself, as should you.

So why am I writing this?  I had a realization that I blog all the time! Except its this really old school thing called journaling  with paper and pen. Primitive, I know! So I've decided to join the 21st century.

I should caution you though. There are two things you need to know before reading my blog.

1. I'm totally self conscious about putting my thoughts out there for all to see. I don't feel like I articulate things well, (aka I don't sound very smart) I'm pretty sure no one wants to read my thoughts , and I'm  sooo not a writer.

2. If I am going to put my thoughts out there, I'm going to do it in my own words. You might not always like my words, but this is my voice.

So there ya go. This is my blog. Enjoy.