The title comes from that video, David after the dentist, where the kid is on some good pain killers and nothing in his world makes sense. Yeah, that's how I feel. So sorry if this blog is a little crazy. You have been warned. Enjoy.
The other day I did something kinda crazy.....I registered for classes! I know what you're thinking, "Watch out for that one. She is totally living on the edge." Registering for classes is not really a crazy thing. I've done it loads before. But this time IS crazy because I just registered for my very last semester of college! The last 15 hours I will ever take as an undergraduate.
WOW. How in the hell did that happen??
It hasn't fully hit me yet. It keeps hitting me in waves. I just came to grips with actually being a senior, now I'm trying to let it sink in that I just signed up for my last semester of college. And don't even talk to me about graduation. Graduation still seems like way far away in the future. It almost has a fairy-tale feel to it. Something that only happens to people with great hair that hang out in the woods. Its not real.
I think all this is so strange to me because I never actually fully thought it would happen. There is a tiny part of me that never thought I would finish college. Obviously I did want to finish or I wouldn't have gotten this far. But I have always struggled in school. I'm not naturally smart and I'm not good at school. I work my ass off for C's. It doesn't matter how hard I work, or how well I prepare. My papers aren't good and I always bomb tests. (Please don't think I'm playing the dyslexic card for sympathy. I despise doing that. I'm just trying to give you a tinny glimpse of background.)
At least part of me, honest to God, expected to drop out of college (or flunk out). But here I am. A senior with 15 hours left. I WILL graduate in May. That is so weird to say, but its happening (or so I keep telling myself). I think about everything that I struggled with or overcame along the way. All the tears, late nights spent struggling to finish homework,the IEP plan, struggling to be on grade level, the teachers that believed in me, the teachers that didn't believe in me, constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough, classes I loved, classes I hated, all the tests I hated and all the projects I loved. All that work, blood, sweat and tears to learn!
There are 3 main things that have gotten me here.
1. My parents. I don't always see eye-to-eye with my parents but when it came to school, they could not have done a better job. They love me and supported me, often when no one else did. They never punished me for bad grades because they knew they couldn't come close to the hell I was already putting myself through. They did everything they could to find help for me, including countless long hours driving me to vision therapy and tutoring as a kid. They stayed up late with me to finished homework, cried along with me when I couldn't do it and celebrated with me when I did good on a test.
2. My pure stubbornness to prove people wrong. There were a lot of people that thought I couldn't do testing without extended time, pass a class without modifications, take Honors/AP classes, or come to college. They set the bar too low for me. And I was not about to have that. I worked to prove them wrong! Every A I got on a test was a big F-YOU right at them.
3. My own drive to succeed. I wanted to learn! I KNEW in my heart of hearts I could do it! From Kindergarten until right now, I have fought to succeed in school and refused to give up! I often refused help, drove myself to the point of tears, and got in way over my head. But I was driven. Yes, I have failed test and classes, been so frustrated I can't see straight, and even angry at God for "not making me smart enough" but I never lost my drive. I had a desire to learn, and I was going to, no matter what!
Now, I'm here. I can see the freakin light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there. And I have no idea how to respond. I don't know if I should worship, cry, be exhausted, be energized, excited, scared, or just breath a sigh of relief. I can't believe this is real life. I keep waiting to wake up. Even thought I am in complete shock, I do know I can't stop. I may only have 15 hours standing between me and graduation, but I still have those 15 hours (and you know...the actual classes I'm in right now. It is only October.)
I have asked God about 100 times over the past few days "is this for real? Am I really at this point in life?" Yes, I am. So weird. But, pretty legit and awesome at the same time.
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