For a Minute

So I read this blog. And when I say "read" I mean check it daily (sometimes twice) and totally love this blogger. Her name is Jamie (as a friend of mine says, "yeah I read her blog so much I feel like I know her. Jamie and I are friends.") and she writes "theveryworstmissionary" blog. If you don't know who she is, find her, read and love!

Anyway, like I said she writes this blog and I'm totally in love with it. I love it because she is real. She is a real missionary, real mom, real mistakes and real colorful language! I love her! My favorite post is titled "Who do you think you are?" and the very first senescent says

" I accidentally believed I was useful for a minute the other day." 

She talks about how  for a moment, she thought her own abilities were enough to do great thing. But then self-doubt and fear took over until all she could think was "who are you? You are not worthy."

I think I love this post so much because it pretty much sums up my life right now. Except I think "for a minute, I almost thought I was smart enough." For the past year, I have been living under the delusion that  I am smart enough to go to div school. In the words of Dolores Umbridge "This...is...a..LIE!" I'm soooo not cut out for div school. Here are a few reason why div school is a NO.
1. I have yet to go a WHOLE week all semester where I went to EVERY class AND paid attention.
2. School is HARD for me. And I don't mean I have to study hard, or edit papers 10 times. No, school is just hard. I can put in the work and not make the grades.
3. I hate despise... lets put it this way,  I'd rather cheer for Duke than go to school for 5 more years. (Okay so that might be a bit dramatic, but you get the idea.)

So I know what you're thinking. Don't go, duh! But I am called to ministry, that much I know. And I want to be prepared. If Divinity school is what will prepare me for ministry, that is what I want to do, but if there is another way, by all means, lets do that.

In Jamie's blog she finally heard God asking her "who do you think you are? Are you not my daughter?" The affirming love from the creator!

For me, even though I have no clue what is next, I'm happy. Normally when I'm this terrified, I run, or shut down, or..umm..engage in some rather bad and ineffective coping skills. But not this time!!! This fear is driving me into the word and prayer and its actually pretty cool!

I don't have a clue where I will be in a year. But I'm happy. And I will keep you posted.