Tomorrow is the 4th of July -- Independence Day. For the past 7 years July 4th has been a day not of celebration but of extreme exhaustion, frustration, and starting new chapters in life. Don't get me wrong, I understand why we celebrate July 4th and very grateful I live in a free country where I can celebrate with family, friends and (illegal) fireworks. But there have just been some life events that have made July 4th really tiring.
July 4th 2007-2011 I was recovering from Camp Angel Tree. It is a week at Mundo Vista where campers have at least one parent in prison. This is my favorite week of camp but it is also the hardest. Most of these girls come with some major baggage. They need extra love, attention, and patience. At the end of a trying and very long week, you have to then send these girls home --home to a place where they may or may not have their physical and/or emotional needs meet. The week is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. All I wanted to do after was crawl in bed.
July 4th 2012 I nearly missed it...well missed it in America anyway. I was on my way back from Macedonia. Macedonia was an amazing experience and I would go back in a heart beat. I didn't want to leave and honestly would have stayed if I could. So I was really bummed about having to come back to the states plus it was an extremely long trip home. Leaving my apartment in Ohrid (the town I lived in) to RDU took about 2.5 to 3 days. And I was awake for 90% of it....including a 6 hour lay over in DC. When I FINALLY flew into RDU, we fly over fireworks, which would have been really cool if I wasn't out of my mind with tired frustration and heartbreak.
July 4th 2013 is...well...its complicated. But lets just say the 7 year tradition is still going strong -- tired, frustrated, and longing for people I have invested in.
Even though the past 7 July 4th have been hard, they have each taught me so much. For the past 7 years, I have felt God in a very unique way on (or around) July 4th. I often can't put words to what my heart is saying--to these powerful feelings that I can't process or explain. For the past 7 years I have felt a peace in God. He is able to understand the words my heart can't say--to help me feel the joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness that I don't know how to express yet. This usually comes from a place of extreme exhaustion, when I finally collapse into God's grace. Its where I find refuge, rest and a starting point to process everything I have taken in. So when I think of July 4th, my first thoughts aren't fireworks and parades; but longing, exhaustion, and refuge.
YOU understand what my heart doesn't know how to say.
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